Friday, December 12, 2008

I thought it was only going to be a fart

My butt had a message for me. It said, "I'm going to fart." So I leaned to the side and let one rip. What my butt didn't tell me was that the fart was loaded.

I was in a small office at work, thankfully one without witnesses, so I made my way down the long hall way to the back restroom that no one used and let the rest of it out.

But there was no toilet paper.

You would think paper towels would be more efficient at removing poop due to their texture, but they're not.

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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Penmanship

Last night when I got home I had to pee so bad that I couldn't wait until I got inside. So I started peeing in the snow, and naturally my instinct was to write my name.

It was perhaps the most pristine example of penis penmanship the world has ever seen. That shit was so perfect it could have been a font in Word. Not one of those fonts that you have to download, but one that comes standard with the software.

Anyone who has attempted to write their names in the snow with their urine can attest to how difficult it is just to be legible. Well, my name wasn't just legible, it was beautiful. If I'm ever famous, I want to sign autographs like that.

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