I pretend

I pretend.

I pretend often. I pretend to be fun. I pretend to be entertaining. I pretend to enjoy life. I pretend to be sane.

But there’s something wrong with me. Some sort of chemical imbalance. My brief moments of joy often plunge in the darkest depths of depression. The depression will last for days, for weeks, and once for a month. The joy will last a few days at most. The only thing more common than depression is an absence of any feeling or emotion. And that is worse than all for me. The apathy makes me question my humanity.

I shouldn’t be this way. My life is good. I have parents who love me, a beautiful wife and three wonderful kids. But there is no denying the roller coaster of emotions within. I think depression would be better for me if it could somehow be justified.

It’s not so bad really. No one knows but me, and any anonymous people who may stumble upon this blog.

I keep it all inside, you see. So that no one else has to suffer along with me. If you met me, you wouldn’t even know. I joke and smile and laugh. I try to make other people happy rather than drag them down.

I’m also sort of hoping for some sort of kick back from karma.