The Vikings did not discover America

Last night my daughter and I were watching TV when a commercial for Thor came on. I asked her if she knew who Thor was and she said "yeah, he's a super hero." She had no concept of the mythology so I tried to explain it to her by asking if she knew who the Vikings were. She said "Yes, they lived a long time ago and spoke funny."

So then I explained how they would pillage and sail and how they discovered America a long time before anyone else. But she said "That's not true dad. The Vikings didn't discover America... Johnny Appleseed discovered America.

I told her to make sure she studied a lot in school.

Charcoal to Gas

Today my wife said "I want to get a gas grill this summer. I know we always say that we prefer the taste of the charcoal, but do you know what charcoal is made of these days? Burned wood and gas."

"What did you think charcoal was made of before?" I asked her.

"The stuff that takes millions of years to form in the earth."

"You thought we were cooking with coal?"

I'm gonna talk her into woodchips instead of gas.

All of my teeth are gone. A 45 minute procedure that lasted 2 1/2 hours. I was awake for the whole thing while they yanked at my mouth, heard the teeth crack and break. Still sore more than a week later.

Urgent Update.

I just took the biggest poop ever.

It was really satisfying.

Happy Earth Day / Rnd 1 of NFL Draft Day

In order to celebrate both events I drove a fuel efficient vehicle for a few hours today; it was electric powered and it took me all around a very peaceful golf course. Then I cooked some food, using some of mother earth's resources; like seasoned chicken breasts stuffed with an apple/cranberry/orange/bacon/cinnamon/mozerella salsa and accompanied by a side of mashed potatoes.

Fuck yeah Earth day. Fuck yeah.

wieght loss

In an effort to be less fat I decided to pull out the wii fit tonight only to find that I have in fact lost 2.28 lbs since the last time I stepped on it some six months ago. Therefor I am satisfied with my current progression of weight loss and expect to be fifty pounds lighter in approximately 14 years.

I know it's immature, but...

While on facebook I searched out the name "tits" and came upon a man whose name is Willy Tits.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha




holy shit


hahahahahahahahahahaha

Tickets and Footsteps

Ran a stop sign on my way home from work. Kind of pissed myself off. When I got home I found out that my son took his first steps today. I fucking missed it. Damn it. I never should have gone to work today. Would have seen my baby walk for the first time and I would have avoided a ticket.

She may have meant "influence" now that I think about it.

Tonight, while talking about the more domesticated nature of my friend Tom, my wife said to me; "maybe you should let Tom rub off on you." I have to admit it, I freaked out. "That's disgusting! Has he approached you about this? Do...es he find me attractive?" Sorry honey, but I'm not the kind of person that just lets guys rub off on him. Gross.

beer review

Hazy pail golden color, the kind that scary mosters crawl out of before attacking an entire town for its own nefarious purposes. Little bit of white head that clings desperately at the edge of the glass.

Banana and grapefruit, yeast and grain hit the nose as if two specific fruits and... some grain and yeast.

Quite acidic and sharp, like a cheddar lined with razors. A vague underlying dryness and the lingering taste of sweet decay remind me of the last hooker I had in my trunk... kind of a funny story really; I was so drunk that I had lost count and after I buried the two in the backseat and I ended up forgetting the one I left tied up in the trunk.

Anyway, everyonce in a while when I hear a knocking sound that I had THOUGHT was the engine. Haha, turns out there was a third hooker back there, but I didn't realize it at the time.

I didn't really have money to pay for anything to get fixed so I just kept on driving. Eventually everything quieted down and I forgot all about it.

So one day I have some groceries that a bagboy brings out to my car and when open the trunk: BAM! There's the dead hooker. Terrible wafting scent comes up and blasts us in the face, the bagboy is throwing up on the ground and I am just laughing my ass off.

I hit him on the head and threw him in next to the corpse in the short skirt and buried them both in the desert.

That was a close one.

Anyway...

Yeah...

But this decay smell in the beer was more the yeasty smell than that of corpses. Hope it didn't come across like that.

Great beer, the tastes improve and become more pronounces as the bottle warms up... Wheats are lovely at room temperature.

I'd definately bring this funky little wheat places with me. Solid wheat.


(Troegs: Dream Waver Wheat)

Upcoming Event

I turn 30 on the 27th of this month. I'm not feeling like 30 is very old. I know everyone says "I don't feel 30!", but I guess I do.. I just don't feel like it's old.

We'll see. Maybe I'll have a nervous breakdown or something. I'll keep you posted.

On drinking.

It is possible to drink often and get drunk rarely.

Just thought I'd point that out because a lot of people tend to assume that anyone who drinks regularly is a raging alcoholic.

One or two beers a night will not get you drunk, probably won't even get you buzzed (unless you drink them really fast). I happen to drink, on average, 1 beer a night. Sometimes I don't drink anything, sometimes I drink one, sometimes I drink two, every great once in a while I'll have 3. But that's usually the full extent of it.

So do I drink? Yes. Do I get drunk? Rarely.

Just pointing that out for those who tend to make assumptions.

Writing Again

A little bit anyway. I've been on a pretty long dry spell, but I'm finally writing in some stories again. Off and on. Not with the ferver that I have in the past, but progress is progress.

Blog Adultry

I've been updating somewhere else.

I know, I know; we've been together for so long. But I've been doing it.

It's not the magic is gone, I just saw some magic elsewhere. It twinkles, it shines, it catches my eye. Don't worry, I don't want to leave you. I just... I just need a little bit of this on the side.

It doesn't take up nearly as much time. I don't have to think as much, is all. It's easier.

It's name?

Come on, you don't really want to know that. What good will it do if you know it's name?

Okay, okay. No need to shout.

It's name is Twitter.

And you should follow me there. @donteatpoop

(I'm sorry)

Why Bananas are Cool

Bananas are cool because they are yellow. There are no other fruits that are yellow and as cool as a banana.

Monkeys like bananas. You like monkeys, don't you?

Bananas are also packed with vitamins and shit. By "shit" I mean "additional things that are good for you", not "shit". That would not have been a good selling point.

Plus they are shaped like dicks. So when a babe eats a banana, you can kind of pretend like it's a dick. But you have to kind of ignore it when they bite chuncks out of it.

When friends who are male have bananas you get to harrass them for having one. You get to make dick jokes and ask him why he packed his dildo for lunch or if he's testing his gag reflex or if he plans on eating that. And then he can run away and cry and think of a really good comeback but not think of it until much later in the night when he is at home and posts it on the internet.

If you are a guy and you bring a banana to work for lunch, a good cover would be to offer it to a female coworker in a suggestive mannor. "Would you like my banana?" wink-wink. nudge-nudge.

Wish I'd thought of that sooner.

*sniffle*

BBQ

I like barbecue sauce.

Beer

An uncle of mine once told me "you know why beer goes through you so fast?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it doesn't have to change color on the way out!"

Then he laughed for a while.

When he was done laughing I pointed out that we were both drinking Guiness, and that either he had mistaken his dick for his asshole or there was something seriously wrong with his urinary track.

For Those Who Celebrate

Enjoy your day.





It's what killed the dinosaurs, you know.

Troegs Nugget Nectar

Had some of this on tap last night. It was soooooo good. The hops were very present, giving off a citrus-like taste. It went down so smoothe, it was refreshing to drink after all of the porters and stouts and dunkels I've been drinking lately.

My wife even liked it, and she claims to have disdain for hops. She pointed out the flavors she liked, and what she described was the hops. So I enlightened her. I ended up grabbing some IPAs for her to try, since she apparently doesn't hate hops as much as she thought she did.

The barmaid there described the ale to another patron as "hoppy and bitter," the guy steered clear of it for that reason. What a shit-barmaid.

It's an amber color, citrusy hops and a light bitterness. That's what I would have said. Bet he would have grabbed it if he'd heard that.

Happy Easter

Jesus is alive.

Happy 'you're not dead anymore' day, Jesus.

Another one bites the dust

Found another dead hooker in my trunk.

I'm thinking about drilling some air holes so that this doesn't keep happening.

NOTE: The air holes will be drilled into the trunk, not the hooker.

I Have Achieved Lift Off

As the shift came to a close at work and people began to leave, I realised that it would be a matter of time before I could let out the gigantic fart that had been building up inside of me for the last several hours. When the last person walked out the door, I let it go.

It moved me forward like an inch on the chair.

This has never happened to me before. I've dropped some serious bombs, but nothing has ever literally moved me.

I'm hoping to find a way to turn this into an alternate fuel source.

Stump the DJ

Since it's April 1st, I thought I'd revisit a prank I pulled a year ago on some friends. (this was posted once before as part of another post) For the sake of anonymity we'll call them Dude and Chick. This prank was not pre-concieved, but if I ever get the chance to try it on some new people who haven't heard me tell the story then it most certainly will be.



After a semi-stressful night of work two of the other supervisors and myself decided to head out to a local bar for drinks. (the supervisors are the aformentioned Dude and Chick) There was a DJ there that night and he said over the mic that he was taking requests and if anyone had any to just come up and tell him what we wanted to hear.

That’s when I proposed a bar-game. I don’t know if this is a game other people play, but it’s called Stump the DJ.

“How do you play Stump the DJ?” Chick asked.

“It’s easy,” I told her. “We make up a band and request to hear it a song from them.”

So we started brainstorming for band names. It had to sound like a real band and we threw several ideas out on the table; Black Sunday had a good run, then I suggested Silver Jews (someone I was certain they had never heard of). They thought Silver Jews sounded horrible, not like a real band at all. (for those who don't know, the Silver Jews were a real band, a member or two went on to form Pavment... Another band that a lot of people haven't heard of... google it). I was trying to get a feel for their musical expertise, especially because Dude graduated from college with a bachelers in something music related. I was pleased that they hadn't heard of them.

Next I suggested Queen Franklin and we toyed with this one for a while before I suggested Soul Coughing, a band that was not unheard of but not common. I watched them for recognition and saw (thankfully) that they had never heard of Soul Coughing.

“That’s what I’m going to request then,” I said, getting up from my stool.

"I don't know, that's not really a good name," Dude said.

"Yeah, you said it's supposed to sound like a real band," Chick said.

“Well I'm going with it, I don't care... I think it's a great band name. And I'll ask for the song..." I acted like I was pulling this song title out of thin air, when in fact it was one of their few 'hits'... "Super Bon-Bon.”

Then I walked away from them, went up to the DJ and requested it. The DJ hadn’t heard any requests for Soul Coughing in a long while, but he did have the song.

I returned to the bar and Dude and Chick were excited to hear how it went.

“I walked up to him and asked for Soul Coughing's Super Bon-Bon," I said, trying to look disappointed, "but he didn't really pay me any attention. He just put a thumb up. So then I asked him if he had it and he kind of rolled his eyes and said no." I sighed here. "He didn't even bother looking."

They were pretty bummed.

"Big build up, no pay off," I said. Dude and Chick nodded in agreement.

Then, two or three songs later, the DJ announced that the next song was from a band called Soul Coughing with the song was ‘Super Bob-Bon’. The bass started pumping and the looks on their faces... Their jaws just dropped. It was all I could do not to laugh, I dropped my jaw as well trying to look as astonished and dumbfounded as they were. "No way," I said.

It only lasted a few seconds, but it was glorious. It was also great to watch the reralization hit as Dude looked at me and said "Fuck you, Poop." Then chick slapped my arm and called me an asshole.

Long set-up, but everytime I think back on the looks on their faces... Holy shit was that a solid pay-off.

My little girl

She's getting big. She turns six next week. I know that doesn't seem that old, but I already miss the cute little-girl things she used to say and do.

She used to have a lisp, couldn't pronounce the letter s when it was followed by another consonant. So the word "lisp" for instance, would have been pronounced "lip". She used to talk to us about the tars in the ky, the people walking down the treet, bee tings, tiger tripes, and melling flowers. I won't even bring up the times she wanted to play with her scooter. (hilarious)

When we startled her she'd say "You cared me out of my crap!"


She used to carry around her little kitty blanket and suck her thumb...

I miss that. I wish I hadn't had to work so much and miss out on so much.

Walking Cool

You know how sometimes you're walking with a really cool swagger? You know, just struttin'... But then you bump into something, trip or stumble? And there's that moment when you aren't sure what you should do next?

I think it's important to keep moving with the cool walk. That way anyone who turned their head at that moment and didn't see how lame you are... They would still think you're cool.

And the other people would think "Man, that's the coolest clumsy person I've ever seen."

Booger under Keys (no lock)

Just lost a booger to the keyboard. I saw it fall from my finger and attempted to rescue it, but it slipped under the 'f' key. It's a gonner now.

No time anymore

I keep wanting to write in this novel that I started forever ago. (of stones and stars). I've worked out a few changes that need to be made which will help me progress the story nicely and open a few sub plots... But i just can't seem to find the time to work on it.

Right now, for instance, i'm writing this instead because I only have twenty minutes or so before I should be in bed so that i can function at work tomorrow. Between work and family my writing has been on serious hold.

I need to get into it though, I need to get back to chasing my dream. I frustrate myself with my procrastination and my inability to follow through. Dammit.

Alright, enough venting. Off to bed with me.

New Troll

Got one for real this time.

I've decided to stop publishing Quixnote-Grey's comments as he is stuck on one topic and will not move from it. He continues to attempt to antagonize and act like a bitch and I've decided that I'm uninterested in putting up with it anymore.

I've asked him to stop with his shit, and he responded with the usual; bitching about censorship and threatening to never return... As though that were a punishment of sorts.

Begone, asshole. Go find yourself a new bridge to hide under. You have shown your true colors.

Word of advice, at least learn to admit when you are being a troll. You'll find a lot more freedom in your life when you learn to admit who you are to yourself.

I will also reiterate and reword the moral of one of my previous posts as it is clearly applicable to this cock-gobbler: The freedom of speach does not mean you get to just be an asshole all the time.

Stephen King made me crap my pants

Before you make assumptions, I wasn't frightened at all; but this evil heartless bastard still made me shit my pants.

Here's how it happened.

I was messing with the computer when I was suddenly hit with an urgent need to go to the bathroom and drop a duece. So, naturally; I went downstairs to the basement toilet, planning on reading a book which I had left down there earlier. It was one of King's books, a part of the Gunslinger series.

But the book wasn't there. I pinched my cheeks together, holding back the emmenant anal explosion that was begging to be set free. I desperately looked around for the book, but it was nowhere in sight. I had done a little laundry earlier, so I made my way over towards the washing machine in the hopes of finding the book.

And that's when it happened. The ass cannon had fired.

I gave up looking for the book and took care of business, cleaning my underwear and showering afterward. First time I have ever shit my pants. Fucking Stephen King.

And get this, after everything was over; the book appears as if by magic not far from the toilet.

You owe me a new pair of underwear, King.

Random Tough Guy Character

A line for a future tough-guy character. Comedy. No plot yet.

MobsterOrSomeshit: If you don't pay up, I'll sick ToughGuy on you.

ToughGuy: I punch elephants.

Protagonist: You punch elephants?

ToughGuy: ...

-silence-

ToughGuy: Yeah.

Protagonist: Woh. That's pretty badass.

ToughGuy: I know-

MobsterOrSomeshit: Forget about the elephants. I want my fucking money Friday.

FIT

We have the Wii Fit now at our house. So now when I play video games I can get some excercise in.

I'm trying to counter this by drinking heavy beers and eating while I play.

6 9 6

Sometimes I kill people

Usually they piss me off first

Other times just because

Why does this keep happening to me?!?!?

I swear there's some sort of conspiracy out there to keep me from ever being at peace.

I went out for lunch today, left the office and ran to grab a few burgers from the local burger grill. I don't go out every day for lunch, in fact it's pretty rare; which is why this is so baffling... How did they know?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I went outside, got in my car and drove. It's not a short drive, but not a long one either. It might have taken me ten minutes at the most.

Anyway, I got out of the car and ran inside, ordered my burgers and waited for them to be cooked. When they were done, I went back out to the car. No time to eat them there, I had to get back to work.

So I get back in my car and I spot a flash of metal out of the corner of my eye. I ducked just in time for a shuriken to embed itself into my dash. Fucking ninjas!

I turned around to find two of the bastards in my SUV. One of them had just drawn a katana, I guess he wasn't used to fighting inside of a vehicle though because he had no manuverability. He tried to take a swipe at me, but the blade got caught in the cieling, fucking ripped a big gash in my cieling! I'm thinking about suing.

Anyway, it was easy to dodge such a clumsy attack. I started the car and pressed the cigarette lighter in while he made another swipe at me with his blade, this time it ran into a window so no worries there. One of the ones in the back-back threw another star at me, thankfully the clumsy jackass with the katana was moving around at that moment and the shuriken landed in the back of his head. He must have been new to the job or something.

At about the same time that I heard the sick 'thump' of the throwing star hitting his skull the lighter popped out and I grabbed it. I dove over the front seat, stretching towards the back; his projectile weaponry was no match for close quarter combat. I plunged the lighter into the guy's eye, his eye jelly sizzled and popped. First time I ever smelled a burning human eye, that's for sure. I can't help thinking that a little lemon pepper would be a perfect touch to make a meal out of it.

While he's freaking out over his eye-burn I take one of the razor sharp throwing stars from his belt and cut open his throat.

After a couple moments of breathing I got out, opened the doors, and threw the bodies out of the car. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of blood. It was a pain in the ass to get blood stains out.

The car was pretty much warmed up at this point, so I put it in reverse and started driving back to work; biting into my burger on the way.

Seriously, could the Kenjin Clan please stop sending assassins after me? I'm sorry I ran one of your elders over, but he shouldn't have been crossing the street in the middle of the night without looking both ways. I can't be held responsible for not seeing him, you people dress all in black! Get some reflective wear or something.

Please, leave me alone.

Analogy Time

There's a big ongoing party that everyone is invited to. Everyone. People come, people go; some linger around longer than others.

The music is bumping, the drinks are cold and intoxicating, the food is delicious, and the people seem to get along nicely for the most part.

One day this dude walks in, a new guy; first time he'd decided to take advantage of the open invite. He drinks the beer, eats the food, converses a little here and there; and then he decides that he isn't digging much on the party.

Now, instead of just leaving like most polite people would do, he shuts off the music for a moment and gets on the microphone.

"Hi everyone, I know I've only been here for a few minutes but I just wanted to bring a few things to your attention. First, this music sucks. I mean seriously, it's terrible. Secondly this beer is like piss in a bottle. The food was absolutely wretched, and to be perfectly frank you people bore and annoy the hell out of me."

Surprisingly the many many people at the party were not pleased with this announcement. As one they told the new guy to get the hell out of the place, kicking him out the door from whence he came.

Once he left, the party resumed.

But the guy was actually offended by this. How dare they tell him to leave! He was only expressing himself, only offering them an objective veiwpoint! This simply would not do!

He went around town telling a few people here and there about the terrible experience he had at the party. Some people listened to him and took his words to heart, most just ignored him. But that didn't stop him from trying to spread negativity about the party.

It is said that the guy still resents the party and party goers.

Despite his efforts, the party went on uninterrupted. That party still goes on today. The moon still revolves around the Earth, and the Earth still spins around the sun.


Moral: Freedom of speech does not entitle you to be an asshole.

Troll Milestone Revoked

Just when I thought my blog had just hit a major milestone, it turns out that I didn't really earn the troll after all. I thought a troll had found me and decided to hate on me. I was hoping he/she would come back and troll me some more. I do so love those antagonistic little bastards.

But alas, if you read the comments of the previous post, you will find that it wasn't earned. Just someone blowing off some steam to a friend, and the friend coming over to try and humiliate me.

Damn it! Thanks for ruining my hopes and dreams, Q-Grey!!!! You couldn't have just left it alone and allowed me to enjoy this achievment could you?!?

Ignorance was blissful, however shortly lived it may have been.

Being as much of an asshole as I am, I really thought I'd have a small colony of trolls camped up over here. Oh well. Perhaps one day I will have a troll of my very own. There's always hope, I suppose.

I think I've earned a troll...

This is so fucking exciting, everyone. It really proves that I'm making my mark on the net. And not just a shit-stain mark on the fish-net underoos this time! If you check the comment section of the previous post you will see what I am talking about.

I like to think I have somehow earned this troll rather than him just happening upon my blog by chance.

But then again, self depreciating comments occur quite often in this blog so I suppose this is really a compliment and not trollish behavior at all.

A compliment so important that it had to be typed three times. It's like a triumverant of compliments. "BORING!" he says. A blog so boring that he attempts to post his comment not once, not twice, but THREE times (before the moron realized that his comments needed to await approval).

I love the interwebs. But I love the idiots who get on the interwebs even more.

Troll on, you crazy diamond. I look forward to your return.

So much snow

It's been snowing like crazy lately.

I stepped into a snow drift earlier and felt a cold sensation on my balls.

Check Mate

I bet its hard for Australians to play chess.

"Check Mate"

Wait... Did he say "Check, mate" or "Check Mate"?

This is so confusing. Hey! That dingo just stole my baby!

I thought it was only going to be a fart

My butt had a message for me. It said, "I'm going to fart." So I leaned to the side and let one rip. What my butt didn't tell me was that the fart was loaded.

I was in a small office at work, thankfully one without witnesses, so I made my way down the long hall way to the back restroom that no one used and let the rest of it out.

But there was no toilet paper.

You would think paper towels would be more efficient at removing poop due to their texture, but they're not.

Penmanship

Last night when I got home I had to pee so bad that I couldn't wait until I got inside. So I started peeing in the snow, and naturally my instinct was to write my name.

It was perhaps the most pristine example of penis penmanship the world has ever seen. That shit was so perfect it could have been a font in Word. Not one of those fonts that you have to download, but one that comes standard with the software.

Anyone who has attempted to write their names in the snow with their urine can attest to how difficult it is just to be legible. Well, my name wasn't just legible, it was beautiful. If I'm ever famous, I want to sign autographs like that.

Attention terrorists and suicide bombers.

Nothing will dishearten America more than striking the Westboro Baptist Church congregation. I do not believe that the US could ever recover from such a devestating blow to out national heritage.

Sincerley,

The Infedels

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

My parents got a Wii recently. I'm stopping by their house way more often now. We tried explaining the awesomeness of the Wii to my Grandmother, who is near 85; and she kept thinking we were saying "weed". Which was really funny because she revealed this after I told my wife we needed to buy weed. lol.

In search of a beer store

I was away on business this weekend and checked on beeradvocate.com for some good local beer stops. I found a grocer (ACME) listed that supposedly had good a selection, it also had the same name as the company that sells all the stuff that Wile E Coyote orders, so I decided to go.

I left the hotel and drove the ten minutes or so in search of the place, realizing after the first two minutes that I had to pee. By the time I got there it became apparent that I had to pee really really bad.

Given my bladder I decided that I would hit up the restroom first and relieve myself. But I couldn't find it. I had to try and avoid pinching it off by hand and just did my best with mind-over-matter; but there were a few times I grabbed my junk and held it for a bit. I tried to time it for when no one was around to see, but the last time some woman saw me and got this disturbed look on her face like she thought as about to whip it out and smack her in the face with it.

So I mumbled "I have to pee" and moved past her. Everytime I saw an employee they were super busy and couldn't help me, but eventually I found two women seated at a table in the candy section (which isn't far from the beer section). They were like "Hi, are you here for your flew shot?" and I said "No, I'm here because I have to pee and I can't find the bathroom and some lady saw me touch my penis and thought I was a pervert but I was only grabbing it so that I didn't pee all over everybody."

Then they said "the restrooms are right over there," and pointed at an area that was less than ten feet away. So I went peed. I gotta tell you, it was one of the most magical times in my life. The unrine just kept pouring out, tears welled up in my eyes... I must have stood there for five minutes letting the piss flow.

When I was done, I shook three times, washed my hands, and walked over to the beer section.'

Then I found the beer. They really did have a good selection, a lot of micro brews were available. The wine selection was pretty awesome too, divided by country and vintage. I was really pleased, and if I'm ever in the area again I'll go back. (but I'll be peeing before I leave)

./

Sometimes when I go to hit the period button at the end of a sentence I also hit the back-slash button. I don't know if that changes the punctuation or not, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not somehow offending someone from a different culture in which "./" means something really vulgar, mean, and nasty. If that is the case, I'd like to take this opportunity to say "fuck you you filthy bastard./"

Oh that's right, I have a blog.

Sorry about that, I totally forgot about this thing.

We have a little baby boy living with us now. He's cute as hell but he wakes us up a lot and I don't get the sleep that I used to. So that's my excuse.

Anyway, I'm gonna try and update this thing at least once a week.

Even if it's a really lame update with no real entertainment value such as this one.

I just washed that thing!

What the hell?

I scrubbed myself down in the shower, made sure all of my parts were clean (especially the areas known to develope stink), and the moment I dry off my gut tells me it needs to let some shit out.

Now my freshly cleansed brown eye will spew forth a most vile filth.

And not having had time to dry properly, the toilet paper is just going to get flimsy and rip real easy. I'll have to take care.

Then I can flush and wait for it to fill back up before restarting the shower. Hopefully this time I won't have to shit again when I step out.

Trolls

Why do I let the get to me? Why don't I just ignore them?

I don't really know the answers to those quesions. Maybe it's because I feel like someone should be doing something about them. Maybe it's because others vent to me about them and I feel that I should take a stand on their behalf. Maybe because I have a dark part of me that actually enjoys striking back at them using their own tactics.

I think it's a combination of all three of these things. I get complaints from my fellow users, I do feel that someone should do something, and I do enjoy enraging the enrager. I guess that giving someone a taste of their own medicine brings me some strange sense of peace that borders on rage.

It's a shame that they never seem to realize that what is so enraging them is exactly what they have been doing to everyone else.

The Dog

I'm going to skip past the typical "Sorry it's been so long since I've posted" bullshit. It's been a while since I've posted. Whatever, that much was obvious.

Anyway, today at about 4:00pm we hear this sound from outside that sounds like a dog might be hurt. It was the irritatingly loud beagle bark, but it also sounded like it might be in pain or something. So I got my shoes on and stepped outside and there was a beagle sniffing around in circles on the ground, stopping now and then to bark. It wasn't hurt, just scared.

It didn't run away from me, but it didn't come to me either, just continued sniffing as though I wasn't even there. It was kind of pathetic really, running in circles with its nose to the ground, bark/whining.

Anyway, I finally got him and put a leash on him and called his house. His name was shadow. People came to get him and took him home.

Turns out the stupid fucking dog only walked a street over. One street over and it goes batshit stupid crazy. What a dumb fucking dog. One street. Sniffing in circles.

How much do you know about...

Worms fuck. It’s true. I found out in probably one of the worst places I could have.

I had just gotten home from work and had to take a shit in the worst way possible. So I went to bathroom to drop a serious deuce only to find that the book I had been reading was no longer in the house. My wife apparently cleaned the bathroom and put my book somewhere. I didn’t have time to look for it, shit was about to go down quite literally. So I ran to the kids bookshelf and scanned the titles and grabbed one of those “What do you know about…” titles.

I ran back to the toilet, dropped my pants, sat down and opened the book. “What do you know about… WORMS.” Great. I sometimes get the unreasonable paranoia that something is going to come up out of the toilet and crawl up my ass… So why not worms?

Oh well, I pushed on and started reading. There was an index and I skipped right into the “Mating” chapter. I was like… “They have sex?” I don’t know… I know they reproduced, and when I was a kid I thought you just ripped them into pieces and that was how they reproduced; but I’m not so deluded anymore to believe that to be true.

How did I think they reproduced? I don’t know. To be honest, worm sex is not one of the topics that has ever entered my mind before cracking that book out. I don’t know if it just never occurred to me or if I subconsciously pushed any such thoughts from my mind.

But last night I found myself staring at the pages and discovering that worms fuck… All while trying to ignore the terrifying rising thoughts of a worm coming up out of the toilet and crawling up my ass.

Yep. Worms fuck. Did you ever see two worms laying on the ground touching? That’s them fucking. That’s how they do it. They just get up next to each other and go at it. And get this, both worms involved get pregnant. Both worms have worm eggs, and both worms have worm sperm.

I’ve also discovered that I really enjoy the term: worm sperm. I also just discovered, upon writing the last sentence, that saying “the term worm sperm” is even more entertaining. I’m now trying to think about other words that I could fit into that, like “firm” or “germ”, but none of it makes sense. Wait… The firm worm sperm has germs…. That was fun.

Okay, so they have sex, right? And then this film travels up and down the length of their bodies and falls off to become an egg sack, wherein hundreds of baby worms will hatch. At that point I decided that hundreds of baby worms are creepy. It’s one of the creepiest things I can think of. Spiders, cockroaches, centipedes, ticks… Yeah, they’re kind of creepy; but hundreds of tiny little baby worms? Fuck.

What if they all started crawling up my ass? That would be seriously fucking scary.

You say Goodbye and I say Hello

“Samantha;” came his voice, whispering to me in the night and rousing me from my dreams.

I sat up to see him standing at the foot of my bed and met his eyes. The moonlight spilling in from the window gave him a strangely beautiful glow.

“Hello darling,” he said with a sad smile on his face.

“How did you get in here?” I asked. I was certain that I’d locked the door.

“I love you,” he told me.

“I love you too,” I said. Something about his smile and the way he was speaking told me that something was wrong. “What is it, Pete?”

“I came here to say goodbye. We have to stop seeing each other,” he said.

His words seemed to echo off of the walls as a cold quiet filled the room.

“I don’t understand,” I said, trying not to let the mounting sorrow overtake me.

“It’s not you, Samantha; you’ve been wonderful. It’s me.”

“Oh spare me the generic break-up bullshit, Pete,” I snapped at him.

He closed his eyes a moment, appearing to fight back tears of his own.

“What is it?” I asked again. “I don’t understand. Is there someone else?”

“No, there’s no one else,” he told me.

“Then what is it?!”

“I’m such an idiot sometimes. Oh God, how could I be such a fool!” His voice was thick with grief. “Sam, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I did something very stupid.”

“What, Pete? What did you do? Whatever it is, we can work through it…”

“No we can’t, babe; we can’t work through this one. There’s just no way.”

“Would you just tell me already?”

“Alright,” he said; taking in a deep breath. “Tonight was Ryan’s bachelor party. We went to a couple of bars. I don’t know how much I drank, I lost count at some point. I shouldn’t have been driving…”

“Did you hit someone?”

“No,” he told me. “No, I didn’t hit anyone.” There was a short pause before he continued. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

“Something jumped out in front of me,” he said. “I don’t know what it was, a deer or a dog… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I swerved to avoid whatever it was and ran off the road into a cluster of trees. I wrapped the car around a tree… You know, I thought it would hurt more than it did…”

“So… What? They got you for a DUI?” I asked. “How did you get away?”

“I didn’t, Sam. I didn’t get away,” He told me; the tears now running unchecked down his cheeks. “I just wanted to see you one last time before…”

“Before what?” I asked. I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“I’m sorry, darling.” He said, drifting backwards and away from me.

“Where are you going?” I asked, panic and sorrow feeding on one another. “Don’t leave me, Pete.”

“My sister should be calling you soon, Sam.”

“Don’t you leave me!” My panic and sorrow turned quickly to rage. “Don’t you dare leave me Pete, you son of a bitch! Come back here!!”

“I love you,” he said calmly.

“I need you!” I shouted.

The ringing of the phone from my nightstand awoke me. I opened my eyes to see the ceiling above highlighted with dim moonlight. My cheeks were still wet with tears; my body still digesting the intense emotions of the dream. Panic and terror and sorrow were mixing together inside of me like a cocktail of hysteria.

The phone rang again. I stared at it coldly, trying to will it to silence.

But it rang again.

Slowly, with a hand that would not be still; I reached for it.

“Hello?”