Friday, July 11, 2014

Caffeine... Holy shit.

I dropped drinking pop/soda/whatever a few years ago except for "when there's whiskey or rum". I lost a bit of weight doing that. But the other day at work someone gave me a can of coke. When I got home at night I chilled it in the fridge for a bit and then cracked it open while goofing around on the Internet and unwinding.

Turns out without the alcohol, caffeine suddenly has an effect on me. I went to bed at 4am, more than an hour later than usual and I struggled to fall asleep even after that.

Man. I drink tea a lot but it doesn't have near the same effect on me.

Friday, July 04, 2014

I've reached my limit

Today I reached the point where I ate enough food that taking a deep breath resulted in flatulence.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Of Enya and alcohol induced emotion

I haven't been in the best of places lately. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

My spousal relations have been strained at best. Tonight I randomly encountered the music that brought wonder to my mind and lifted my heart. I fell into the embrace of Enya; known for 'international' music. If you're unfamiliar with her, you've probably heard her and not realized it.

It  was the music that my wife was listening to many years ago when I first fell under her spell. The spell has been wearing off as of late, and I find more and more distance between us. Any attempts I have made at rectifying this have been thwarted, and I'm sure I've done my own sort of damage to her attempts. Perhaps from spite, perhaps pure bitterness. I maintain that she struck first, but perhaps I am just defending my own illogical behavior.

Whatever the case may be, tonight I was brought to tears by the music of Enya; swept away to the realms of my past where love went unquestioned and passion was overwhelming. It took me back to times when we were together for more than just the sake of the children. Back to times when I wasn't faking affection. Times when I longed, rather than dreaded, the embrace.

How the hell did I get here?

I always thought I was meant to be alone. I was a fool to have thought otherwise, and more a fool to have allowed this to go as far as it has. There were many times when  all signs pointed to a hasty exit strategy; but each time thus far I have ignored these signs. Maybe it's time to open my eyes.

I am conflicted. I do not want my children to grow up without me in their everyday lives, but I also do not want them to think that this apathy is an acceptable substitute for love. I kept doing what I thought was right rather than doing what my heart desired; I kept worrying about the feelings of others. I think it's more important to listen to your heart than to try and please everyone. If only I had known this before.

I can't help but feel guilty. Guilt for myself, guilt towards my spouse and children... I should have walked away early on; when all the clues pointed towards solidarity. But I longer so greatly for someone else that I was willing to forgive nearly anything. Really, there is no telling what length I would have gone to to please the object of my affection. I endured much pain and heartache; the very things that should have driven me away. All because I thought I was doing the right thing.

And now here I am, stuck where I am for the sake of my children; trying to make things work for the sake of my children; doing all I can to ignore my heartache.

I feel guilty sometimes when I fantasize about walking away early on in our relationships; thinking about times I should have stood up for you, or times when I shouldn't have given in... I feel guilty because in all of those scenarios it would be impossible for our little girl and boy to be alive. I guess it's worth it because of them. If for no other reason.

And fucking Enya is bringing tears to my eyes, yet I can't bring myself to hit 'stop' as the memories flood my mind.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Mecalecahi Mecaheini-ho

Ala peanut butter sammichesssss!!!!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Death

I deal poorly with death. Every time I say that someone says "yeah, me either;" but I don't think they really understand. I'm horrible with it.

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine passed. He was hit by a car while walking along the street and run over by a second car. I hadn't talked to him in maybe ten years, but back then we hung out fairly often... Weekly or bi-weekly or so. When I found out he died I was in a pretty bad state of depression for more than a week. I tried to mask it, didn't think it was even showing; but people kept telling me that I needed to snap out of it or pointing out that they could tell that I was bumming. (don't get me started on the "snap out of it" crap, that's another story for another time).

I cried after his funeral. I don't cry. It's been years since I last shed a tear that wasn't born from a yawn. I'm generally quite devoid of any in depth emotions, at least on the surface. But death hits me.

The other day my great aunt died. Technically she wasn't related to mel; she was the aunt of my uncle, my uncle being married into the family. I only saw her twice a year, Easter and Christmas; and due to her health issues I hadn't seen her in a few years. She was a sweet woman. I attended the church services for her today. I was pretty choked up at several points.

I don't understand it. I process things slowly, so perhaps that's part of the reason. Maybe it's just me realizing that it could be me one day. Maybe it's empathy for other people. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. I much prefer practicing my blend of blatant assholery and sarcasm.

Oh well. Rest in peace Bob Boak and Aunt Thetis.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Did you ever notice, when you're deep in thought, that there is a song playing in your head in the background? And then you're like, "Why the fuck is that the song that's playing in my head right now?"

Monday, August 06, 2012

Pandas

Pandas are near extinction still. The Great Pandas, not the red ones. I know this isn't news to anyone but it's not something we can ignore. They are still poached in the wild by terrible people. And to make matters worse there is the issue with their mating, they are rare to get along with one another well enough to copulate.

I don't understand that at all because I find pandas to be ridiculously sexy. I would  totally have sex with a panda. They seem like reluctant lovers so I'd start out with some wine, dim lighting, and some smooth jazz. No one can resist that combination and I suspect that pandas are just as susceptible as the rest of us.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

50 shades of my nuts smacking off of your ass.

My wife started reading 50 Shades of Grey. I've flipped through it and feel like it's just a long and poorly written Penthouse Forum. I even think I caught an "I didn't think this would ever happen to me" in it.

Anyways, what I've been doing is letting her read it for forty-five minutes or so, and then just pounce on her in bed and bang the hell out of her. It's dampening panties without me having to do any of the work. Don't think I'll ever read the book, but I feel like I owe the author some real gratitude.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Whoops.

Might have just pooped my pants.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Robot Love

I got really drunk last night made love to a robot. I'm not talking the "looks like a human" kind, either. I'm talking nuts and bolts, "Danger Will Robbins" robots.

Actually, that might have just been the vacuum cleaner.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Foot wedged in a purple starfish.

It comes in like a hurricane
With a pain that is just insane
He jumps up in the sky
And hope that he dies
‘Cause I kicked Eric Camlin
In the brown eye...



Mutha fucka.

Temporary Haitus Aborted

A possible return? Maybe. When I'm bored enough, I suppose. I was thinking today of a crush from my youth, a girl with long blond hair who wore a short skirt and knee-high rainbow striped socks. I am speaking of course of Rainbow Brite. I wanted to bang the shit out of her. OK, maybe not bang her... I didn't really have the concept of that yet, but I wanted to hug her extra hard for long period of time. With my penis. If that's possible. Or maybe my penis wasn't involved and I'm just putting it in there. Seems I'm always putting my penis somewhere.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Vikings did not discover America

Last night my daughter and I were watching TV when a commercial for Thor came on. I asked her if she knew who Thor was and she said "yeah, he's a super hero." She had no concept of the mythology so I tried to explain it to her by asking if she knew who the Vikings were. She said "Yes, they lived a long time ago and spoke funny."

So then I explained how they would pillage and sail and how they discovered America a long time before anyone else. But she said "That's not true dad. The Vikings didn't discover America... Johnny Appleseed discovered America.

I told her to make sure she studied a lot in school.

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Charcoal to Gas

Today my wife said "I want to get a gas grill this summer. I know we always say that we prefer the taste of the charcoal, but do you know what charcoal is made of these days? Burned wood and gas."

"What did you think charcoal was made of before?" I asked her.

"The stuff that takes millions of years to form in the earth."

"You thought we were cooking with coal?"

I'm gonna talk her into woodchips instead of gas.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

All of my teeth are gone. A 45 minute procedure that lasted 2 1/2 hours. I was awake for the whole thing while they yanked at my mouth, heard the teeth crack and break. Still sore more than a week later.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Urgent Update.

I just took the biggest poop ever.

It was really satisfying.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Happy Earth Day / Rnd 1 of NFL Draft Day

In order to celebrate both events I drove a fuel efficient vehicle for a few hours today; it was electric powered and it took me all around a very peaceful golf course. Then I cooked some food, using some of mother earth's resources; like seasoned chicken breasts stuffed with an apple/cranberry/orange/bacon/cinnamon/mozerella salsa and accompanied by a side of mashed potatoes.

Fuck yeah Earth day. Fuck yeah.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

wieght loss

In an effort to be less fat I decided to pull out the wii fit tonight only to find that I have in fact lost 2.28 lbs since the last time I stepped on it some six months ago. Therefor I am satisfied with my current progression of weight loss and expect to be fifty pounds lighter in approximately 14 years.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I know it's immature, but...

While on facebook I searched out the name "tits" and came upon a man whose name is Willy Tits.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha




holy shit


hahahahahahahahahahaha

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tickets and Footsteps

Ran a stop sign on my way home from work. Kind of pissed myself off. When I got home I found out that my son took his first steps today. I fucking missed it. Damn it. I never should have gone to work today. Would have seen my baby walk for the first time and I would have avoided a ticket.

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Friday, August 14, 2009

She may have meant "influence" now that I think about it.

Tonight, while talking about the more domesticated nature of my friend Tom, my wife said to me; "maybe you should let Tom rub off on you." I have to admit it, I freaked out. "That's disgusting! Has he approached you about this? Do...es he find me attractive?" Sorry honey, but I'm not the kind of person that just lets guys rub off on him. Gross.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

beer review

Hazy pail golden color, the kind that scary mosters crawl out of before attacking an entire town for its own nefarious purposes. Little bit of white head that clings desperately at the edge of the glass.

Banana and grapefruit, yeast and grain hit the nose as if two specific fruits and... some grain and yeast.

Quite acidic and sharp, like a cheddar lined with razors. A vague underlying dryness and the lingering taste of sweet decay remind me of the last hooker I had in my trunk... kind of a funny story really; I was so drunk that I had lost count and after I buried the two in the backseat and I ended up forgetting the one I left tied up in the trunk.

Anyway, everyonce in a while when I hear a knocking sound that I had THOUGHT was the engine. Haha, turns out there was a third hooker back there, but I didn't realize it at the time.

I didn't really have money to pay for anything to get fixed so I just kept on driving. Eventually everything quieted down and I forgot all about it.

So one day I have some groceries that a bagboy brings out to my car and when open the trunk: BAM! There's the dead hooker. Terrible wafting scent comes up and blasts us in the face, the bagboy is throwing up on the ground and I am just laughing my ass off.

I hit him on the head and threw him in next to the corpse in the short skirt and buried them both in the desert.

That was a close one.

Anyway...

Yeah...

But this decay smell in the beer was more the yeasty smell than that of corpses. Hope it didn't come across like that.

Great beer, the tastes improve and become more pronounces as the bottle warms up... Wheats are lovely at room temperature.

I'd definately bring this funky little wheat places with me. Solid wheat.


(Troegs: Dream Waver Wheat)

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Upcoming Event

I turn 30 on the 27th of this month. I'm not feeling like 30 is very old. I know everyone says "I don't feel 30!", but I guess I do.. I just don't feel like it's old.

We'll see. Maybe I'll have a nervous breakdown or something. I'll keep you posted.

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Thursday, June 04, 2009

On drinking.

It is possible to drink often and get drunk rarely.

Just thought I'd point that out because a lot of people tend to assume that anyone who drinks regularly is a raging alcoholic.

One or two beers a night will not get you drunk, probably won't even get you buzzed (unless you drink them really fast). I happen to drink, on average, 1 beer a night. Sometimes I don't drink anything, sometimes I drink one, sometimes I drink two, every great once in a while I'll have 3. But that's usually the full extent of it.

So do I drink? Yes. Do I get drunk? Rarely.

Just pointing that out for those who tend to make assumptions.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Writing Again

A little bit anyway. I've been on a pretty long dry spell, but I'm finally writing in some stories again. Off and on. Not with the ferver that I have in the past, but progress is progress.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Blog Adultry

I've been updating somewhere else.

I know, I know; we've been together for so long. But I've been doing it.

It's not the magic is gone, I just saw some magic elsewhere. It twinkles, it shines, it catches my eye. Don't worry, I don't want to leave you. I just... I just need a little bit of this on the side.

It doesn't take up nearly as much time. I don't have to think as much, is all. It's easier.

It's name?

Come on, you don't really want to know that. What good will it do if you know it's name?

Okay, okay. No need to shout.

It's name is Twitter.

And you should follow me there. @donteatpoop

(I'm sorry)

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Why Bananas are Cool

Bananas are cool because they are yellow. There are no other fruits that are yellow and as cool as a banana.

Monkeys like bananas. You like monkeys, don't you?

Bananas are also packed with vitamins and shit. By "shit" I mean "additional things that are good for you", not "shit". That would not have been a good selling point.

Plus they are shaped like dicks. So when a babe eats a banana, you can kind of pretend like it's a dick. But you have to kind of ignore it when they bite chuncks out of it.

When friends who are male have bananas you get to harrass them for having one. You get to make dick jokes and ask him why he packed his dildo for lunch or if he's testing his gag reflex or if he plans on eating that. And then he can run away and cry and think of a really good comeback but not think of it until much later in the night when he is at home and posts it on the internet.

If you are a guy and you bring a banana to work for lunch, a good cover would be to offer it to a female coworker in a suggestive mannor. "Would you like my banana?" wink-wink. nudge-nudge.

Wish I'd thought of that sooner.

*sniffle*

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

BBQ

I like barbecue sauce.

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Beer

An uncle of mine once told me "you know why beer goes through you so fast?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it doesn't have to change color on the way out!"

Then he laughed for a while.

When he was done laughing I pointed out that we were both drinking Guiness, and that either he had mistaken his dick for his asshole or there was something seriously wrong with his urinary track.

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For Those Who Celebrate

Enjoy your day.





It's what killed the dinosaurs, you know.

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Troegs Nugget Nectar

Had some of this on tap last night. It was soooooo good. The hops were very present, giving off a citrus-like taste. It went down so smoothe, it was refreshing to drink after all of the porters and stouts and dunkels I've been drinking lately.

My wife even liked it, and she claims to have disdain for hops. She pointed out the flavors she liked, and what she described was the hops. So I enlightened her. I ended up grabbing some IPAs for her to try, since she apparently doesn't hate hops as much as she thought she did.

The barmaid there described the ale to another patron as "hoppy and bitter," the guy steered clear of it for that reason. What a shit-barmaid.

It's an amber color, citrusy hops and a light bitterness. That's what I would have said. Bet he would have grabbed it if he'd heard that.

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Happy Easter

Jesus is alive.

Happy 'you're not dead anymore' day, Jesus.

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Sunday, April 05, 2009

Another one bites the dust

Found another dead hooker in my trunk.

I'm thinking about drilling some air holes so that this doesn't keep happening.

NOTE: The air holes will be drilled into the trunk, not the hooker.

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Thursday, April 02, 2009

I Have Achieved Lift Off

As the shift came to a close at work and people began to leave, I realised that it would be a matter of time before I could let out the gigantic fart that had been building up inside of me for the last several hours. When the last person walked out the door, I let it go.

It moved me forward like an inch on the chair.

This has never happened to me before. I've dropped some serious bombs, but nothing has ever literally moved me.

I'm hoping to find a way to turn this into an alternate fuel source.

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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Stump the DJ

Since it's April 1st, I thought I'd revisit a prank I pulled a year ago on some friends. (this was posted once before as part of another post) For the sake of anonymity we'll call them Dude and Chick. This prank was not pre-concieved, but if I ever get the chance to try it on some new people who haven't heard me tell the story then it most certainly will be.



After a semi-stressful night of work two of the other supervisors and myself decided to head out to a local bar for drinks. (the supervisors are the aformentioned Dude and Chick) There was a DJ there that night and he said over the mic that he was taking requests and if anyone had any to just come up and tell him what we wanted to hear.

That’s when I proposed a bar-game. I don’t know if this is a game other people play, but it’s called Stump the DJ.

“How do you play Stump the DJ?” Chick asked.

“It’s easy,” I told her. “We make up a band and request to hear it a song from them.”

So we started brainstorming for band names. It had to sound like a real band and we threw several ideas out on the table; Black Sunday had a good run, then I suggested Silver Jews (someone I was certain they had never heard of). They thought Silver Jews sounded horrible, not like a real band at all. (for those who don't know, the Silver Jews were a real band, a member or two went on to form Pavment... Another band that a lot of people haven't heard of... google it). I was trying to get a feel for their musical expertise, especially because Dude graduated from college with a bachelers in something music related. I was pleased that they hadn't heard of them.

Next I suggested Queen Franklin and we toyed with this one for a while before I suggested Soul Coughing, a band that was not unheard of but not common. I watched them for recognition and saw (thankfully) that they had never heard of Soul Coughing.

“That’s what I’m going to request then,” I said, getting up from my stool.

"I don't know, that's not really a good name," Dude said.

"Yeah, you said it's supposed to sound like a real band," Chick said.

“Well I'm going with it, I don't care... I think it's a great band name. And I'll ask for the song..." I acted like I was pulling this song title out of thin air, when in fact it was one of their few 'hits'... "Super Bon-Bon.”

Then I walked away from them, went up to the DJ and requested it. The DJ hadn’t heard any requests for Soul Coughing in a long while, but he did have the song.

I returned to the bar and Dude and Chick were excited to hear how it went.

“I walked up to him and asked for Soul Coughing's Super Bon-Bon," I said, trying to look disappointed, "but he didn't really pay me any attention. He just put a thumb up. So then I asked him if he had it and he kind of rolled his eyes and said no." I sighed here. "He didn't even bother looking."

They were pretty bummed.

"Big build up, no pay off," I said. Dude and Chick nodded in agreement.

Then, two or three songs later, the DJ announced that the next song was from a band called Soul Coughing with the song was ‘Super Bob-Bon’. The bass started pumping and the looks on their faces... Their jaws just dropped. It was all I could do not to laugh, I dropped my jaw as well trying to look as astonished and dumbfounded as they were. "No way," I said.

It only lasted a few seconds, but it was glorious. It was also great to watch the reralization hit as Dude looked at me and said "Fuck you, Poop." Then chick slapped my arm and called me an asshole.

Long set-up, but everytime I think back on the looks on their faces... Holy shit was that a solid pay-off.

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My little girl

She's getting big. She turns six next week. I know that doesn't seem that old, but I already miss the cute little-girl things she used to say and do.

She used to have a lisp, couldn't pronounce the letter s when it was followed by another consonant. So the word "lisp" for instance, would have been pronounced "lip". She used to talk to us about the tars in the ky, the people walking down the treet, bee tings, tiger tripes, and melling flowers. I won't even bring up the times she wanted to play with her scooter. (hilarious)

When we startled her she'd say "You cared me out of my crap!"


She used to carry around her little kitty blanket and suck her thumb...

I miss that. I wish I hadn't had to work so much and miss out on so much.

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Walking Cool

You know how sometimes you're walking with a really cool swagger? You know, just struttin'... But then you bump into something, trip or stumble? And there's that moment when you aren't sure what you should do next?

I think it's important to keep moving with the cool walk. That way anyone who turned their head at that moment and didn't see how lame you are... They would still think you're cool.

And the other people would think "Man, that's the coolest clumsy person I've ever seen."

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Booger under Keys (no lock)

Just lost a booger to the keyboard. I saw it fall from my finger and attempted to rescue it, but it slipped under the 'f' key. It's a gonner now.

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No time anymore

I keep wanting to write in this novel that I started forever ago. (of stones and stars). I've worked out a few changes that need to be made which will help me progress the story nicely and open a few sub plots... But i just can't seem to find the time to work on it.

Right now, for instance, i'm writing this instead because I only have twenty minutes or so before I should be in bed so that i can function at work tomorrow. Between work and family my writing has been on serious hold.

I need to get into it though, I need to get back to chasing my dream. I frustrate myself with my procrastination and my inability to follow through. Dammit.

Alright, enough venting. Off to bed with me.

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

New Troll

Got one for real this time.

I've decided to stop publishing Quixnote-Grey's comments as he is stuck on one topic and will not move from it. He continues to attempt to antagonize and act like a bitch and I've decided that I'm uninterested in putting up with it anymore.

I've asked him to stop with his shit, and he responded with the usual; bitching about censorship and threatening to never return... As though that were a punishment of sorts.

Begone, asshole. Go find yourself a new bridge to hide under. You have shown your true colors.

Word of advice, at least learn to admit when you are being a troll. You'll find a lot more freedom in your life when you learn to admit who you are to yourself.

I will also reiterate and reword the moral of one of my previous posts as it is clearly applicable to this cock-gobbler: The freedom of speach does not mean you get to just be an asshole all the time.

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Sunday, March 08, 2009

Stephen King made me crap my pants

Before you make assumptions, I wasn't frightened at all; but this evil heartless bastard still made me shit my pants.

Here's how it happened.

I was messing with the computer when I was suddenly hit with an urgent need to go to the bathroom and drop a duece. So, naturally; I went downstairs to the basement toilet, planning on reading a book which I had left down there earlier. It was one of King's books, a part of the Gunslinger series.

But the book wasn't there. I pinched my cheeks together, holding back the emmenant anal explosion that was begging to be set free. I desperately looked around for the book, but it was nowhere in sight. I had done a little laundry earlier, so I made my way over towards the washing machine in the hopes of finding the book.

And that's when it happened. The ass cannon had fired.

I gave up looking for the book and took care of business, cleaning my underwear and showering afterward. First time I have ever shit my pants. Fucking Stephen King.

And get this, after everything was over; the book appears as if by magic not far from the toilet.

You owe me a new pair of underwear, King.

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Random Tough Guy Character

A line for a future tough-guy character. Comedy. No plot yet.

MobsterOrSomeshit: If you don't pay up, I'll sick ToughGuy on you.

ToughGuy: I punch elephants.

Protagonist: You punch elephants?

ToughGuy: ...

-silence-

ToughGuy: Yeah.

Protagonist: Woh. That's pretty badass.

ToughGuy: I know-

MobsterOrSomeshit: Forget about the elephants. I want my fucking money Friday.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

FIT

We have the Wii Fit now at our house. So now when I play video games I can get some excercise in.

I'm trying to counter this by drinking heavy beers and eating while I play.

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Monday, February 09, 2009

6 9 6

Sometimes I kill people

Usually they piss me off first

Other times just because

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Thursday, February 05, 2009

Why does this keep happening to me?!?!?

I swear there's some sort of conspiracy out there to keep me from ever being at peace.

I went out for lunch today, left the office and ran to grab a few burgers from the local burger grill. I don't go out every day for lunch, in fact it's pretty rare; which is why this is so baffling... How did they know?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I went outside, got in my car and drove. It's not a short drive, but not a long one either. It might have taken me ten minutes at the most.

Anyway, I got out of the car and ran inside, ordered my burgers and waited for them to be cooked. When they were done, I went back out to the car. No time to eat them there, I had to get back to work.

So I get back in my car and I spot a flash of metal out of the corner of my eye. I ducked just in time for a shuriken to embed itself into my dash. Fucking ninjas!

I turned around to find two of the bastards in my SUV. One of them had just drawn a katana, I guess he wasn't used to fighting inside of a vehicle though because he had no manuverability. He tried to take a swipe at me, but the blade got caught in the cieling, fucking ripped a big gash in my cieling! I'm thinking about suing.

Anyway, it was easy to dodge such a clumsy attack. I started the car and pressed the cigarette lighter in while he made another swipe at me with his blade, this time it ran into a window so no worries there. One of the ones in the back-back threw another star at me, thankfully the clumsy jackass with the katana was moving around at that moment and the shuriken landed in the back of his head. He must have been new to the job or something.

At about the same time that I heard the sick 'thump' of the throwing star hitting his skull the lighter popped out and I grabbed it. I dove over the front seat, stretching towards the back; his projectile weaponry was no match for close quarter combat. I plunged the lighter into the guy's eye, his eye jelly sizzled and popped. First time I ever smelled a burning human eye, that's for sure. I can't help thinking that a little lemon pepper would be a perfect touch to make a meal out of it.

While he's freaking out over his eye-burn I take one of the razor sharp throwing stars from his belt and cut open his throat.

After a couple moments of breathing I got out, opened the doors, and threw the bodies out of the car. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of blood. It was a pain in the ass to get blood stains out.

The car was pretty much warmed up at this point, so I put it in reverse and started driving back to work; biting into my burger on the way.

Seriously, could the Kenjin Clan please stop sending assassins after me? I'm sorry I ran one of your elders over, but he shouldn't have been crossing the street in the middle of the night without looking both ways. I can't be held responsible for not seeing him, you people dress all in black! Get some reflective wear or something.

Please, leave me alone.

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Saturday, January 31, 2009

Analogy Time

There's a big ongoing party that everyone is invited to. Everyone. People come, people go; some linger around longer than others.

The music is bumping, the drinks are cold and intoxicating, the food is delicious, and the people seem to get along nicely for the most part.

One day this dude walks in, a new guy; first time he'd decided to take advantage of the open invite. He drinks the beer, eats the food, converses a little here and there; and then he decides that he isn't digging much on the party.

Now, instead of just leaving like most polite people would do, he shuts off the music for a moment and gets on the microphone.

"Hi everyone, I know I've only been here for a few minutes but I just wanted to bring a few things to your attention. First, this music sucks. I mean seriously, it's terrible. Secondly this beer is like piss in a bottle. The food was absolutely wretched, and to be perfectly frank you people bore and annoy the hell out of me."

Surprisingly the many many people at the party were not pleased with this announcement. As one they told the new guy to get the hell out of the place, kicking him out the door from whence he came.

Once he left, the party resumed.

But the guy was actually offended by this. How dare they tell him to leave! He was only expressing himself, only offering them an objective veiwpoint! This simply would not do!

He went around town telling a few people here and there about the terrible experience he had at the party. Some people listened to him and took his words to heart, most just ignored him. But that didn't stop him from trying to spread negativity about the party.

It is said that the guy still resents the party and party goers.

Despite his efforts, the party went on uninterrupted. That party still goes on today. The moon still revolves around the Earth, and the Earth still spins around the sun.


Moral: Freedom of speech does not entitle you to be an asshole.

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Troll Milestone Revoked

Just when I thought my blog had just hit a major milestone, it turns out that I didn't really earn the troll after all. I thought a troll had found me and decided to hate on me. I was hoping he/she would come back and troll me some more. I do so love those antagonistic little bastards.

But alas, if you read the comments of the previous post, you will find that it wasn't earned. Just someone blowing off some steam to a friend, and the friend coming over to try and humiliate me.

Damn it! Thanks for ruining my hopes and dreams, Q-Grey!!!! You couldn't have just left it alone and allowed me to enjoy this achievment could you?!?

Ignorance was blissful, however shortly lived it may have been.

Being as much of an asshole as I am, I really thought I'd have a small colony of trolls camped up over here. Oh well. Perhaps one day I will have a troll of my very own. There's always hope, I suppose.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

I think I've earned a troll...

This is so fucking exciting, everyone. It really proves that I'm making my mark on the net. And not just a shit-stain mark on the fish-net underoos this time! If you check the comment section of the previous post you will see what I am talking about.

I like to think I have somehow earned this troll rather than him just happening upon my blog by chance.

But then again, self depreciating comments occur quite often in this blog so I suppose this is really a compliment and not trollish behavior at all.

A compliment so important that it had to be typed three times. It's like a triumverant of compliments. "BORING!" he says. A blog so boring that he attempts to post his comment not once, not twice, but THREE times (before the moron realized that his comments needed to await approval).

I love the interwebs. But I love the idiots who get on the interwebs even more.

Troll on, you crazy diamond. I look forward to your return.

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Friday, January 16, 2009

So much snow

It's been snowing like crazy lately.

I stepped into a snow drift earlier and felt a cold sensation on my balls.

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Saturday, January 03, 2009

Check Mate

I bet its hard for Australians to play chess.

"Check Mate"

Wait... Did he say "Check, mate" or "Check Mate"?

This is so confusing. Hey! That dingo just stole my baby!

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