Of Enya and alcohol induced emotion
My spousal relations have been strained at best. Tonight I randomly encountered the music that brought wonder to my mind and lifted my heart. I fell into the embrace of Enya; known for 'international' music. If you're unfamiliar with her, you've probably heard her and not realized it.
It was the music that my wife was listening to many years ago when I first fell under her spell. The spell has been wearing off as of late, and I find more and more distance between us. Any attempts I have made at rectifying this have been thwarted, and I'm sure I've done my own sort of damage to her attempts. Perhaps from spite, perhaps pure bitterness. I maintain that she struck first, but perhaps I am just defending my own illogical behavior.
Whatever the case may be, tonight I was brought to tears by the music of Enya; swept away to the realms of my past where love went unquestioned and passion was overwhelming. It took me back to times when we were together for more than just the sake of the children. Back to times when I wasn't faking affection. Times when I longed, rather than dreaded, the embrace.
How the hell did I get here?
I always thought I was meant to be alone. I was a fool to have thought otherwise, and more a fool to have allowed this to go as far as it has. There were many times when all signs pointed to a hasty exit strategy; but each time thus far I have ignored these signs. Maybe it's time to open my eyes.
I am conflicted. I do not want my children to grow up without me in their everyday lives, but I also do not want them to think that this apathy is an acceptable substitute for love. I kept doing what I thought was right rather than doing what my heart desired; I kept worrying about the feelings of others. I think it's more important to listen to your heart than to try and please everyone. If only I had known this before.
I can't help but feel guilty. Guilt for myself, guilt towards my spouse and children... I should have walked away early on; when all the clues pointed towards solidarity. But I longer so greatly for someone else that I was willing to forgive nearly anything. Really, there is no telling what length I would have gone to to please the object of my affection. I endured much pain and heartache; the very things that should have driven me away. All because I thought I was doing the right thing.
And now here I am, stuck where I am for the sake of my children; trying to make things work for the sake of my children; doing all I can to ignore my heartache.
I feel guilty sometimes when I fantasize about walking away early on in our relationships; thinking about times I should have stood up for you, or times when I shouldn't have given in... I feel guilty because in all of those scenarios it would be impossible for our little girl and boy to be alive. I guess it's worth it because of them. If for no other reason.
And fucking Enya is bringing tears to my eyes, yet I can't bring myself to hit 'stop' as the memories flood my mind.