Down the tubes

I used to think automatic toilet flushers were awesome.

Then I had to poop one day at work.

I tried to avoid it, but I was passing way too much gas and my stomach was like "You better go poop or I'm gonna leave stains." I decided that I had to do it.

So I took a stroll down the hall to the rarely used mens room at the end. It's a pretty old building and the bathroom was pretty small, the two stalls were tiny.

I grabbed one of those paper things that you put on the toilet seat and checked the first stall, it was filled with a dark yellow piss and a fat little turd bobbing along and having a grand swim in the nasty yellow pool. I opted for the next stall.

The next stall was sparkling clean. I'm telling you the damn thing smelled like a breezy sunshine afternoon in a field of wild flowers. I lined the paper thing to the seat, turned around and started to drop my pants.

The damn thing started flushing, I turned around and the fucking seat was going down.

My asshole was like "Shit! Hurry, go get another one!" He was right, so I pulled my pants up and held them with one hand as I walked accross the empty restroom to get another toilet seat. I lined the damn thing up, dropped my drawers and started to sit when FLUSHHHHHHHH.

Mother fucker! My butt hept trying to convince me that it would be okay, reminded me of the sunshine and wildflowers, but I refused to sit on a bare public toilet seat no matter how clean it was. I saw the first stall for the warning that it was.

I hobbled accross the restroom one more time, walking with my cheeks pressed firly together. I got the fucking seat protector and walked into the stall again. I held the seat protector to my butt and sat down on the toilet seat as it flushed. Thankfully the paper was now wedged between my butt and the toilet seat, and I could finally get the ordeal over with.

I should be arrested for what I did to the toilet that day.