Monday, February 16, 2009

Random Tough Guy Character

A line for a future tough-guy character. Comedy. No plot yet.

MobsterOrSomeshit: If you don't pay up, I'll sick ToughGuy on you.

ToughGuy: I punch elephants.

Protagonist: You punch elephants?

ToughGuy: ...

-silence-

ToughGuy: Yeah.

Protagonist: Woh. That's pretty badass.

ToughGuy: I know-

MobsterOrSomeshit: Forget about the elephants. I want my fucking money Friday.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

FIT

We have the Wii Fit now at our house. So now when I play video games I can get some excercise in.

I'm trying to counter this by drinking heavy beers and eating while I play.

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Monday, February 09, 2009

6 9 6

Sometimes I kill people

Usually they piss me off first

Other times just because

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Thursday, February 05, 2009

Why does this keep happening to me?!?!?

I swear there's some sort of conspiracy out there to keep me from ever being at peace.

I went out for lunch today, left the office and ran to grab a few burgers from the local burger grill. I don't go out every day for lunch, in fact it's pretty rare; which is why this is so baffling... How did they know?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I went outside, got in my car and drove. It's not a short drive, but not a long one either. It might have taken me ten minutes at the most.

Anyway, I got out of the car and ran inside, ordered my burgers and waited for them to be cooked. When they were done, I went back out to the car. No time to eat them there, I had to get back to work.

So I get back in my car and I spot a flash of metal out of the corner of my eye. I ducked just in time for a shuriken to embed itself into my dash. Fucking ninjas!

I turned around to find two of the bastards in my SUV. One of them had just drawn a katana, I guess he wasn't used to fighting inside of a vehicle though because he had no manuverability. He tried to take a swipe at me, but the blade got caught in the cieling, fucking ripped a big gash in my cieling! I'm thinking about suing.

Anyway, it was easy to dodge such a clumsy attack. I started the car and pressed the cigarette lighter in while he made another swipe at me with his blade, this time it ran into a window so no worries there. One of the ones in the back-back threw another star at me, thankfully the clumsy jackass with the katana was moving around at that moment and the shuriken landed in the back of his head. He must have been new to the job or something.

At about the same time that I heard the sick 'thump' of the throwing star hitting his skull the lighter popped out and I grabbed it. I dove over the front seat, stretching towards the back; his projectile weaponry was no match for close quarter combat. I plunged the lighter into the guy's eye, his eye jelly sizzled and popped. First time I ever smelled a burning human eye, that's for sure. I can't help thinking that a little lemon pepper would be a perfect touch to make a meal out of it.

While he's freaking out over his eye-burn I take one of the razor sharp throwing stars from his belt and cut open his throat.

After a couple moments of breathing I got out, opened the doors, and threw the bodies out of the car. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of blood. It was a pain in the ass to get blood stains out.

The car was pretty much warmed up at this point, so I put it in reverse and started driving back to work; biting into my burger on the way.

Seriously, could the Kenjin Clan please stop sending assassins after me? I'm sorry I ran one of your elders over, but he shouldn't have been crossing the street in the middle of the night without looking both ways. I can't be held responsible for not seeing him, you people dress all in black! Get some reflective wear or something.

Please, leave me alone.

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