How much do you know about...

Worms fuck. It’s true. I found out in probably one of the worst places I could have.

I had just gotten home from work and had to take a shit in the worst way possible. So I went to bathroom to drop a serious deuce only to find that the book I had been reading was no longer in the house. My wife apparently cleaned the bathroom and put my book somewhere. I didn’t have time to look for it, shit was about to go down quite literally. So I ran to the kids bookshelf and scanned the titles and grabbed one of those “What do you know about…” titles.

I ran back to the toilet, dropped my pants, sat down and opened the book. “What do you know about… WORMS.” Great. I sometimes get the unreasonable paranoia that something is going to come up out of the toilet and crawl up my ass… So why not worms?

Oh well, I pushed on and started reading. There was an index and I skipped right into the “Mating” chapter. I was like… “They have sex?” I don’t know… I know they reproduced, and when I was a kid I thought you just ripped them into pieces and that was how they reproduced; but I’m not so deluded anymore to believe that to be true.

How did I think they reproduced? I don’t know. To be honest, worm sex is not one of the topics that has ever entered my mind before cracking that book out. I don’t know if it just never occurred to me or if I subconsciously pushed any such thoughts from my mind.

But last night I found myself staring at the pages and discovering that worms fuck… All while trying to ignore the terrifying rising thoughts of a worm coming up out of the toilet and crawling up my ass.

Yep. Worms fuck. Did you ever see two worms laying on the ground touching? That’s them fucking. That’s how they do it. They just get up next to each other and go at it. And get this, both worms involved get pregnant. Both worms have worm eggs, and both worms have worm sperm.

I’ve also discovered that I really enjoy the term: worm sperm. I also just discovered, upon writing the last sentence, that saying “the term worm sperm” is even more entertaining. I’m now trying to think about other words that I could fit into that, like “firm” or “germ”, but none of it makes sense. Wait… The firm worm sperm has germs…. That was fun.

Okay, so they have sex, right? And then this film travels up and down the length of their bodies and falls off to become an egg sack, wherein hundreds of baby worms will hatch. At that point I decided that hundreds of baby worms are creepy. It’s one of the creepiest things I can think of. Spiders, cockroaches, centipedes, ticks… Yeah, they’re kind of creepy; but hundreds of tiny little baby worms? Fuck.

What if they all started crawling up my ass? That would be seriously fucking scary.

You say Goodbye and I say Hello

“Samantha;” came his voice, whispering to me in the night and rousing me from my dreams.

I sat up to see him standing at the foot of my bed and met his eyes. The moonlight spilling in from the window gave him a strangely beautiful glow.

“Hello darling,” he said with a sad smile on his face.

“How did you get in here?” I asked. I was certain that I’d locked the door.

“I love you,” he told me.

“I love you too,” I said. Something about his smile and the way he was speaking told me that something was wrong. “What is it, Pete?”

“I came here to say goodbye. We have to stop seeing each other,” he said.

His words seemed to echo off of the walls as a cold quiet filled the room.

“I don’t understand,” I said, trying not to let the mounting sorrow overtake me.

“It’s not you, Samantha; you’ve been wonderful. It’s me.”

“Oh spare me the generic break-up bullshit, Pete,” I snapped at him.

He closed his eyes a moment, appearing to fight back tears of his own.

“What is it?” I asked again. “I don’t understand. Is there someone else?”

“No, there’s no one else,” he told me.

“Then what is it?!”

“I’m such an idiot sometimes. Oh God, how could I be such a fool!” His voice was thick with grief. “Sam, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I did something very stupid.”

“What, Pete? What did you do? Whatever it is, we can work through it…”

“No we can’t, babe; we can’t work through this one. There’s just no way.”

“Would you just tell me already?”

“Alright,” he said; taking in a deep breath. “Tonight was Ryan’s bachelor party. We went to a couple of bars. I don’t know how much I drank, I lost count at some point. I shouldn’t have been driving…”

“Did you hit someone?”

“No,” he told me. “No, I didn’t hit anyone.” There was a short pause before he continued. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

“Something jumped out in front of me,” he said. “I don’t know what it was, a deer or a dog… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, anyway. I swerved to avoid whatever it was and ran off the road into a cluster of trees. I wrapped the car around a tree… You know, I thought it would hurt more than it did…”

“So… What? They got you for a DUI?” I asked. “How did you get away?”

“I didn’t, Sam. I didn’t get away,” He told me; the tears now running unchecked down his cheeks. “I just wanted to see you one last time before…”

“Before what?” I asked. I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“I’m sorry, darling.” He said, drifting backwards and away from me.

“Where are you going?” I asked, panic and sorrow feeding on one another. “Don’t leave me, Pete.”

“My sister should be calling you soon, Sam.”

“Don’t you leave me!” My panic and sorrow turned quickly to rage. “Don’t you dare leave me Pete, you son of a bitch! Come back here!!”

“I love you,” he said calmly.

“I need you!” I shouted.

The ringing of the phone from my nightstand awoke me. I opened my eyes to see the ceiling above highlighted with dim moonlight. My cheeks were still wet with tears; my body still digesting the intense emotions of the dream. Panic and terror and sorrow were mixing together inside of me like a cocktail of hysteria.

The phone rang again. I stared at it coldly, trying to will it to silence.

But it rang again.

Slowly, with a hand that would not be still; I reached for it.

“Hello?”