Can you go to Hell for this?

On the day after Christmas, the family and I (the wife, kids, and my parents.. and I) decided that it would be a good day to go to the movies, figuring everyone would be at the stores and not in the theatres. We were wrong on that.

But that's beside the point. As we were driving to the theatre, we had to stop behind the car in front of us as they were attempting to turn left. Traffic was pretty thick, so the wait was fairly long. Then, suddenly, there was an opening. It was a good sized opening too, not one of those "maybe I can make it" openings, more like "maybe three or four cars can make it".

Naturally though, the idiots in front of us don't so much as inch forward. My reaction of course was to lay on the horn and stick the power finger out the window.

On the next opening in traffic, they turned. I like to think they turned due to my prompting, but who knows.Anyway, as they turned, I was able to see who was in the car. The car was stacked full of nuns. It was almost like they had a contest to see how many nuns they could fit into the vehicle. So basicaly I said "f**k you" to a bunch of nuns.

So I ask you, is this one of those things I'm going to have to explain to Jesus before I can get into heaven?

Shit Whistlers

Whistling is an entertaining way to pass the time. Some people whistle as they drive, or walk, and many whistle while they work. I whistle to songs sometimes if I don't know the words. Whistling is a perfectly acceptable way to pass the time.

Well, most of the time anyway.

I was deeply disturbed by something yesterday. What was it that disturbed me, you may be asking? It was none other than our beloved and seemingly enjoyable was to pass the time; whistling.

As I walked into the MENS ROOM at work (cause that's where I pee) I was confronted first by the sound of whistling and second by the stench of the work this man was whistling along to. I peed quickly, shook three times, washed my hands, used the paper towel to open the door (because I have phobias) and exited the bathroom gagging and embracing myself in a hug that dropped me to the floor in the fetal postion.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: It is not acceptable to whistle while you shit. Just as it is unacceptable to eat while you drop your load. Shit whistlers are among the most disgusting people out there and show a blatant disregard for the peace of mind of other individuals.

Before you start, it's not right to whistle while you piss either.

In fact, the only bathroom activity in which it is okay to whistle is washing your hands. Unless your at home, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, whistle to your anis' content at home. But not in a public restroom.

Victimized

I have been attacked. I left work the other night and crossed the street to my parking lot. That's where it happened.

Between the sidewalk and the parking lot is a line of saplings. They were waiting for me. It had to be planned, I cannot imagine that it was a spontanious act of violence.

I ducked under a limb when suddenly I was smacked in the face by the saplings branch. The damn thing knocked the nerd glasses from my face. Thankfully, my glasses landed on a bush, so I found them quickly. I gave the little tree a look of utter hatred as I walked to my car. It stung. I was pissed.

My forehead stung the whole way home. After taking a quick shower I chanced a glance into the mirror. I had a huge fucking cut on my forehead that trailed down to my eyelid. That mother fucking tree cut the shit out of my face.

I am so pissed.

I will have revenge. Oh yes, I will have my revenge.