Thursday, September 28, 2006

Last Night

I must have drank seven beers on an empty stomach last night and stayed at the bar until 5:00 in the morning. As I got in my car the first rays of sunlight gave the horizon an eerie sort of glow that should have tipped me off that something bad was to come.

I drove slowly in an order to counter the prominent effects of my alcohol consumption. No one was outside this early in the morning so I wasn’t exactly worried about the safety of others, this crawl-like pace was for my protection.

I was almost there, just three blocks from my home when a jittery flood of red and blue light struck me from behind, hopping around and blinking like strobe light. I curse myself inwardly. I must have swerved at some point.

Attempting to remain calm, I pulled over to the side of the road and ran my fingers through my hair, trying not to worry about the dead hookers in my trunk.

He knocks on the window and I roll it down after fumbling with the button. I was hoping not to appear drunk, but I was far from coordinated.

He asked me to step out of the car and gave me the standard drunk tests. He must have caught my eye during one of my nervous glances at my trunk and he asked that I open it.

Three hookers, each of them bound and long dead.

It’s no ones fault but my own. If I ever get out of the pen I am never drinking after killing three hookers and hiding their bodies in my trunk.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Mindless Fun

I bought a new video game the other day. It has always looked interesting to me, but I never bothered to spend the money on it. It's name is Katamari Damacy and it is the greatest video game ever created (after PacMan, Galaga, DigDug, Donkey Kong, Mariod Bros 1 & 3, and Sonic the Hedgehog).

Pure mindless fun. A lot of the modern video games lose themselves in unnecessarily overcomplicated plotlines when the essence of a video game is simply to be fun. This game does not lose sight of the fun-factor at all. In fact, it is so simple that you don't even use any buttons. How sweet is that?

If you have a PS2, but this game. You will not regret it.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I'm Cured!

That's right, I have been cured.

As some of you may or may not know, I have been suffering from Chronic Involuntary Reactive Yawning Syndrome (CIRYS) for most of my life. It's actually more common than you may think. Basically, if I see someone yawning, my body reacts to this and I do the same. Or used to.

Yesterday I was talking to someone when they yawned (a common occurrence when conversations involve me). Instinctively I cringed, "Don't you know about my condition?!" I said. I waited for my body to react. And I waited. But nothing happened. I did not yawn.

Later in the day someone else yawned in front of me... No automatic reactive yawn occurred. I'm cured!! You cannot possibly imagine how excited I am about this. No longer will I suffer from CIRYS. Now I can live a normal life!

Unfortunately I won't be able to park in handicap spaces any longer, but it's a small price to pay. Thank you God for this miracle of miracles!!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Oh! THATS how you moderate comments.

Finally figured it out. Sorry, I forgot I turned that feature on. :)

I have to say that the interior of bus windows are rather tastey. (Hoping that you got that reference).

Oh, and my apologies to anyone who is annoyed at having to do that "match the letters" thing before you can comment, but I was sick of getting all pumped to see that someone commented only to discover that it's just the "love your color scheme, come look at porn" computer asshole. I'd like to kick his automated ass.

BOTS

I have decided to enter the Battle of the Strippers on Worth1000.com . There's no way I'll be able to do this every day though, so it's pretty much just shits and giggles for me. If only I had a scanner, or one of those wacom tablet thingies...

Oh well. For now I will have to rely on occasional access to my parents scanner whenever I drop by there. If I didn't work until midnight, I could just go there after work. And if I didn't stay up late drinking and writing I could get up before work and use their scanner.

And if you're currently wondering just what the hell the battle of the strippers is, (don't act like you're not aroused) it's a contest where all participants submit one comic strip a day (or try to, anyway). This is the second one over there, the first one yielded ass-kicking results. So far this one is quite amusing as well. If you don't know about worth, GO THERE NOW! Do not delay. I can't do links, so just copy and paste this into the address bar: worth1000.com . You may recognize some of their work from chain e-mails that others have pirated from the site.








Now, for the sake of consistency: FUCK POOP FUCK

Friday, September 08, 2006

Not Forgotten

No, I have not forgotten you blog, or your absolute lack of an audiance. I've been buzy. Been working six tens every week to save up for my wedding.

What? You thought I was married? What would have given you that impression? Surely not my mentioning of having a wife...

Oh wait, that probably was it, huh?

Well, I guess I have a little explaining to do.

I've been with my woman for seven years now (since the tail end of 98), and have lived with her for pretty much that entire time. Here in Ohio, there is no common marriage law, but we've each professed our love and commitment for one another and asked God for his blessing. I think we have it.

But now we're going to make things official from a legal stand point. That way I'll get some money when I kill her.

So that's what I've been doing, and that's where I've been.

Don't worry, I'm sure my next post will include the F word once or twice as well as a reference or two to poop. Sorry to disappoint you with this one. But come on, it's not like anyone is actually reading this thing.