My Wife Rules

We don't have a dog. Reason being; I don't like cleaning up dog shit. The only thing I like less than cleaning up dog shit is stepping in it. It's really that simple.

So you can imagine my anger and frustration whenever I step into my yard and find dog poopies. If I am outside and I see someone walking their dog but not cleaning up it's droppings, I say something about it. "Thanks for cleaning up after your dog!" I say. If they do not respond, I follow it up with "I'll come over and shit in your yard." If they still don't respond I usually throw a "Don't stop, keep walking." their way, that way it seems like if they continue to walk they are following my orders.

I mention the above to give you some idea of how much I hate the clumps of dog poop I find in my yard.

My neighbors have a dog. One of those little annoying "yap-yap" dogs (don't get me started on that). One day it dropped a duece on our lawn. My wife saw this from the window upstairs. So she went out, scooped it up with a shovel, and flung it onto their porch.

I'm so proud of her.

Seatbelts

Seatbelts are like hugs from cars.

TP for my Bunghole?

No one wants to admit it happens, but we all know it has.

Why can’t toilet paper be sturdier?

Sure, they’re designed to effectively remove fecal matter from the area, but they have a tendency to occasionally rip under applied pressure. You reach back to remove the substance when suddenly your finger tip is caked in crap. The urge to wash immediately has to be controlled as you reach for more, taking an extra piece in the hopes that it will be less liable to break on you.

When everything is done you have to find some way to pull up your pants without using one of your hands. That’s only half the trouble. Washing it off is never an easy or entertaining task, but it must be done. After an hour of scrubbing, you find that there is still a bit beneath your nail that just won’t come clean.

You return to whatever it was that you were doing and do your best to forget what just happened, but every time your finger comes near your nose, you can’t help but catch the scent and remember vividly the disgusting tragedy which so recently assaulted you. Thinking about it, I find that I am glad to not have the habit of chewing my nails, because I can only imagine the shock of realization hitting me full force in the head.

All this can be avoided if toilet paper can be made stronger. Perhaps a paper towel company can merge with a producer of toilet tissue the problem could be alleviated, but until then I must continue to live with the repercussions of poorly manufactured TP.

Fireworks

Went to watch some fireworks with the old lady last night. We got rid of the kids and lay back on a hillside while the colored lights exploded in the sky. It was really quite spectacular, probably the best fireworks show I've ever seen. Yay for Youngstown!!

Maybe it was the angle we were sitting at, but it seemed like they were exploding only a few dozen feet above our heads. They were huge, even the little ones seemed gigantic.

We almost got hit with one of them, though. It was blue, and it fell from the sky to bounce off of the road and land on the grass just a few feet from our blanket, a curl of smoke dissipating into the air nearby.

Naturally this scared the shit out of the chick, and she kept on squeezing me in terror everytime a large one went off. I told her to pull on my cock if she gets scared again, but she didn't go for it.

Seriously wish I was on shrooms when I watched these.

Corona

I'm stuck drinking Corona. Also known as "Chilled Mexican Piss".

Damn it this shit is nasty.

I'm willing to try all types and brands of beer. I've had the Steel Reserve, for crying out loud, and I would prefer that "high gravity" malted bullshit to this La Cerveza Mas Fina any fucking day of the week. It's no wonder chicks and man-chicks put limes in this shit. Ah, fuck!!

Butt-nasty. Blech.

The only beer the Mexicans can seem to get right is Dos Ecquis. And even that pales in comparison to the worst of the German beers.

At least they got Japan beat. Never drink Japanese beer. I speak from experience. If it is made from rice, it will be nasty.

Maybe if I drink the Corona fast it will taste half-way decent...

...


...


...

...

Oh my God, no! What the hell did I just drink?!?!? My burps taste better than this shit!!

Ack!

I am a Fucker

No wait.. That's a typo. I meant to say "sucker". I am a sucker. The title is probably accurate, though.

But anyway, I bought a one year membership to a private resort club. $1,000. And I'm not exactly wealthy.

But with all of the money I spend on vacations in a year, it's worth it. That's what they told me in the sales pitch anyway, and it knd of makes sense... Sort of.

The places are real nice, and they're open year round. I can get a fucking heated/airr conditioned cabin for like 30 bucks a night. I mean, that's cool, right? Right?

I'm fucking screwed. What the hell was I thinking???

Maybe they'll let me out of the contract if I kill myself.