Another Heroes observation

For anyone not a fan of this show, I apologize, but there was something else I was thinking about while watching the program. (by the way, if you're not watching it, you should be)

That chick with that can see anyone do something and then do that herself... She has some sort of mimicking muscles or someshit... Someone needs to sit her down and make her watch some porn.

Think about how quickly she could pick up on the moves those pornstar chicks, a few minutes of her studying a porn and you can say "goodbye" to her gag reflex. How awesome is that shit?

Again, sorry... I have a sick mind and these are the things that run through it when I think "what if my wife had this power"...

And that's what would happen.

Yo momma so...

While making fun of a security guard, I realized that I had stumbled upon what could possibly be the greatest yo momma joke ever told. Sometimes I'm a freaking genious... Brace yourself:

Yo momma so nasty... When I got done eating her out, she handed me a toothpick.

Insanity Confirmed

Most of you have undoubtedly come to the conclusion that I am crazy. Don't be bashful, I know it's crossed your minds.

This morning, I have confirmed it.

I was pumping gas and this lady beside me had one of those annoying little "yipe-yipe" dogs that was hell bent on yiping at me through the window. It was so fucking aggrivating.

When the woman went in to pay my pump shut off and I hung the nozzle up. Still that little fucking over-sized rodent dog wanna-be kept barking and yiping and generally annoying the shit out of me.

So I made three deep, menacing, and booming barks at it; the way a dog [i]should[/i] sound. The dog shut the hell up, whimpered a little, and backed up as far as it could in it's vehicle.

I turned around to see the woman returning to her car, and I quickly sat down in mine and started my car. Looking around through the windows I noticed that everyone else was just staring at me with slack jaws, clearly shocked by the crazy man who barks at dogs.

I waved and smiled like a polititian as I drove away.

One year of marital bliss

My wife and I have been married for one full year now (according to the government, though we've been together 9 years in reality), so if you're reading this, even if it isn't the 21st anymore, I'd appreciate it if you drink one for me in celebration.

Thank you.

Heroes

Anyone watching the Heroes television series?

There is a character on the show, a cheerleader who has the ability to heal from damn near any wound; broken bones mend, deep gashes heal back over without so much as a scab.

A lot of people mentioned their excitement when the actress turned 18, apparently hoping for some nudie pictures. But I think there is far more to be excited about.

You see, she can heal from damn near anything. That means her hymen will heal once it is busted, and she will forever be a virgin. Think about that for a moment, virgin pussy every time.

In response to censorship on a writing site

On a writing site that I have recently been frequenting, one of the members (I think he's an admin or something) posted the following:

"This is my opinion. Swearing should be avoided on a writing site. There is no room in the English language for swearing. But if a member swears, then as long as he does not go overkill, he can do it."

I'm rather proud of my response, so I figured maybe you would enjoy it as well. Here was my reply:

Avoided? I disagree completely. If anything, I would expect there to be no restrictions on vocabulary on a writing site. Negative connotations that are associated with a word (or several words) shouldn't have any impact on the use of the word(s). In fact, the negative associations of such words only add to the impact such words can have. Banning a list of words from use on a writing site is like banning a color on an art site. Everything should be available to a writer.

In stories, curse words add to the flare of some characters. It gives the reader a feel for the narrator, or the internal dialogue of some characters. If a certain character only curses while in the company of a specific other character, this can lend the reader some additional insight to the relationship(s) between these characters.

It should not be avoided, but rather embraced. Fuck restrictions and constraints, they do little for the advancement of any art form. Can you imagine where art would be today if the members of the impressionist movement had listened to the critics who claimed that their art work was of poor quality and should not be considered art? Where would music be today if the Beatles and Elvis agreed that Rock and Roll was the devils music? Where would civilization be if the Wright Brothers had agreed with those who said that "if man were meant to fly, he would have been born with wings,"?

Curse words are not just something to spit out in order to offend people, they can also be quite effective in driving home your point. "Get off of my property" does not have the same effect as "Get the hell off of my damn property". "Shut your mouth" doesn't carry the same weight as "Shut your fucking mouth." Sure, the inclusion of these words can add to the anger of the statement, but that's exactly the purpose of their use in the above examples.

I would much rather see a banning and deletion of all 1337 speak and chat talk than a restriction on curse words.

Boxers or Briefs

...Or commando, as I'm sure some of youn sick bastards are saying in your heads.

I don't like briefs, but they certainly hold my balls in one place. They're a bit confining, in my opinion, but I'm sure that's just a matter of perspective. Briefs activist probably claim that briefs are like a cotton hug for your testicles.

But I don't like them. My nuts need freedom. Plus, with my massive manhood, there's no room in the little space for my third arm AND the boys.

I prefer boxers. (or commando, really, but I have to wear something to work.)

Boxers are great because they allow the man room to swing free. He and the boys hang freely without any constraints. The only drawback to boxers (or no underwear at all) is the limitations they place on your ability to jog effectively.

With every running step I take, they slap up against my leg.

Slap, Slap, Slap, Slap, Slap, Slap. Oh no, donteatpoop is running this way.

In an all-out run it's like there is a crowd giving me a standing ovation as I go by.

Karaoke "Talent Hunt"

Or some shit like that.

A co-worker of mine, who happens to be a Karaoke host-lady, told me that the bar she runs karaoke at on Mondays is having a talent contest, which is basically a karaoke challenge. She said I sing purty damn good, and that I needed to enter. They are going to give out 200 bucks...

I think I may go. I am the greatest karaoke person to ever take the stage... You know, except for those other people that are better.

Either way... Maybe I can win some moneys for singing some hard rock.

Speaking of balls

My dog had his balls removed this evening. He's sleeping it off now.

The poor guy.

I guess if I ever had my nuts chopped off, I would sleep a lot too. It's a pretty good plan, I suppose. Wouldn't you agree?

I think it would be worse for me, though; if my balls ever got chopped off. I'm sure it's terribly devistating for him, certainly. But I have an opposoble thumb. So it would be way worse if it happened to me.

Plus he won't be getting bitches pregnant, or spreading animal STD's.


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Speaking of balls, did you ever fart while sitting and have gas float up and vibrate your balls? I did this one time with a crazy-loud one and they actually slapped a couple of times from the air bubble.

It was awesome.

Down the tubes

I used to think automatic toilet flushers were awesome.

Then I had to poop one day at work.

I tried to avoid it, but I was passing way too much gas and my stomach was like "You better go poop or I'm gonna leave stains." I decided that I had to do it.

So I took a stroll down the hall to the rarely used mens room at the end. It's a pretty old building and the bathroom was pretty small, the two stalls were tiny.

I grabbed one of those paper things that you put on the toilet seat and checked the first stall, it was filled with a dark yellow piss and a fat little turd bobbing along and having a grand swim in the nasty yellow pool. I opted for the next stall.

The next stall was sparkling clean. I'm telling you the damn thing smelled like a breezy sunshine afternoon in a field of wild flowers. I lined the paper thing to the seat, turned around and started to drop my pants.

The damn thing started flushing, I turned around and the fucking seat was going down.

My asshole was like "Shit! Hurry, go get another one!" He was right, so I pulled my pants up and held them with one hand as I walked accross the empty restroom to get another toilet seat. I lined the damn thing up, dropped my drawers and started to sit when FLUSHHHHHHHH.

Mother fucker! My butt hept trying to convince me that it would be okay, reminded me of the sunshine and wildflowers, but I refused to sit on a bare public toilet seat no matter how clean it was. I saw the first stall for the warning that it was.

I hobbled accross the restroom one more time, walking with my cheeks pressed firly together. I got the fucking seat protector and walked into the stall again. I held the seat protector to my butt and sat down on the toilet seat as it flushed. Thankfully the paper was now wedged between my butt and the toilet seat, and I could finally get the ordeal over with.

I should be arrested for what I did to the toilet that day.