A handy man I am not.

I've never been very good or interested in handy work, and as a result I have no idea what the hell I am doing. This makes trips to the hardware store a bit of a chore, but I can do it on my own... It'll take me a while, but I'll eventually figure it out and take care of it.

What's worse than going on my own is going with my wife. My wife is a handywoman. She loves doing shit around the house and she's good at it. It's really embarassing to follow her around the store, especially when the other guys give me the "look." You know what I'm talking about, the 'what kind of man are you?' look. It sucks.

Maybe you're thinking "well then, you better start learning how to do shit around the house so that you don't have to be embarassed." But there is a flaw in that logic. As I stated previously; I have never been good or interested in handy work. And my wife enjoys it, so why ruin a good thing?

Instead I have developed a plan. Any time my wife and I both go to the hardware store, I will walk behind her and act like I'm retarded. Hands straight down at my sides, taking tons of short steps instead of normal ones, my face looking straight at the ground the whole while... I get less looks this way.

I mean, when you're just a guy who has a wife who knows a bunch of shit about hardware and repairs and shit, you get a bunch of looks from guys like you don't have a pair of nuts between your legs.

But when you're retarded they just smile politely or avert their gazes.

I've already put the plan into play once and had great results. I intend on implementing this strategy with each visit to the hardware store. Hopefully I won't run into anyone I know.

Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.

Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Herpes on my scrotum
Herpe power

They're the worlds most common STD
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
They're herpes on my nuntsack and they're mean
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
When an evil outbreak attacks
These fucking herpes don't cut me no slack

Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Your mother gave me these itchy, bumpy things
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
All the itching leads, it's just part of the disease
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.

I hope this puts you in the mood
Cause I'm gonna fuck you up the ass real soon.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.
Psycho Rabid Mutant Herpes.

Would you like some herpes?
Suck my balls.

Monkey Business

I have an idea for a new reality TV show. It's called Monkey Business. And basically it's a hidden camera show where monkeys enter the workforce.

For instance. A man hires a construction company to build a deck on the back of his house and a crew of monkeys shows up with hardhats and toolbelts and stuff. Imagine the look on the man's face when a crew of monkeys show up to do his deck.

Or a couple goes out to a restaurant and a monkey (dressed in a waiter uniform, white button up shirt, black pants, carries a notepad, etc) shows up to take their order, AND brings them out their food!

Or a man gets into the back of a cab and tells the cabbie where to take him. Just before the taxi starts moving, the driver (a monkey) turns around and gives him a big old chimpanzee smile.



And when PETA protests, we could send out our official spokesperson; and it could be a chimpanzee dressed in a suit and tie. He could stand at a little podium with a mic on it and address the crowd.

Animal planet could totally pick this show up.

Wouldn't this be the best show ever? Don't deny it, you know it would.