Must... Shed... Pounds...

My stomach keeps growing. I sometimes think that I may be pregnant, but there's no strange cravings, no frequent urination, no morning sickness. Plus I don't have a vagina. That's where the baby grows, right? Somewhere up in the vagina?

I must just be getting fat(ter). I can make popping noises with my finger and my belly button, and I once knitted a sweater from a ball of lint I pulled out of there.

And I'm starting to believe that my zebra stripes are actually stretch marks. I may never have been a zebra at all...