Stephen King made me crap my pants

Before you make assumptions, I wasn't frightened at all; but this evil heartless bastard still made me shit my pants.

Here's how it happened.

I was messing with the computer when I was suddenly hit with an urgent need to go to the bathroom and drop a duece. So, naturally; I went downstairs to the basement toilet, planning on reading a book which I had left down there earlier. It was one of King's books, a part of the Gunslinger series.

But the book wasn't there. I pinched my cheeks together, holding back the emmenant anal explosion that was begging to be set free. I desperately looked around for the book, but it was nowhere in sight. I had done a little laundry earlier, so I made my way over towards the washing machine in the hopes of finding the book.

And that's when it happened. The ass cannon had fired.

I gave up looking for the book and took care of business, cleaning my underwear and showering afterward. First time I have ever shit my pants. Fucking Stephen King.

And get this, after everything was over; the book appears as if by magic not far from the toilet.

You owe me a new pair of underwear, King.

Shit Whistlers

Whistling is an entertaining way to pass the time. Some people whistle as they drive, or walk, and many whistle while they work. I whistle to songs sometimes if I don't know the words. Whistling is a perfectly acceptable way to pass the time.

Well, most of the time anyway.

I was deeply disturbed by something yesterday. What was it that disturbed me, you may be asking? It was none other than our beloved and seemingly enjoyable was to pass the time; whistling.

As I walked into the MENS ROOM at work (cause that's where I pee) I was confronted first by the sound of whistling and second by the stench of the work this man was whistling along to. I peed quickly, shook three times, washed my hands, used the paper towel to open the door (because I have phobias) and exited the bathroom gagging and embracing myself in a hug that dropped me to the floor in the fetal postion.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: It is not acceptable to whistle while you shit. Just as it is unacceptable to eat while you drop your load. Shit whistlers are among the most disgusting people out there and show a blatant disregard for the peace of mind of other individuals.

Before you start, it's not right to whistle while you piss either.

In fact, the only bathroom activity in which it is okay to whistle is washing your hands. Unless your at home, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, whistle to your anis' content at home. But not in a public restroom.