On Imaginary Friends

I had an imaginary friend once. He was pretty cool. We’d hang out together, just kicking it or whatever, bullshitting and drinking and smoking weed. He was into whatever I was into and we had some great times together.

But that’s all over now.

Last night I came home early from work to find him in bed with my wife.

I should have beat his ass, I know. But I was so shocked and heartbroken that I just sort of stood there with my mouth hanging open while they finished the job, completely unaware of my presence.

He came all over her face, in a way that she would never let me do. It wasn’t until he rolled off of her, still moaning in ecstasy, that they spotted me.

My wife came to tears immediately, her eyes wide with fear, his imaginary cum dripping from her chin. He began stammering, saying “it’s not what it looks like,” but I wasn’t buying it. I saw the whole thing. I told him to get the fuck out of my house and sent the wife packing with him.

Son of a bitch.

Goes to show you, you can’t trust anyone.

I sometimes lye awake at night wishing I had kicked his imaginary ass, but I’m sort of glad that I didn’t resort to violence. I don’t know, it’s all so confusing; just a turmoil of conflicting emotions churning inside of me.

Do you think I handled this right?

I mean, what would you have done?

it's my mother fucking birthday.

i'm already drinking. i have a day to just relax. vacation from work, plenty of beer. i'm going to try to get some writing done, since i haven't in some time. otherwise, i'll be goofing off on the internet.

i got a pearl jam concert blasting from the speakers. i just got it, it's about nine disks worth, and so far it kicks ass. it's three concerts they did at the gorge. one in '05 and two in '06. they fucking rock live.

Ballad of the Short Lady

There is a short woman where I work, she’s a little under five feet.



I know that’s not really funny, but she was walking behind this really tall guy and her face was directly at ass level. Then he stopped real quick.



Face to ass plant. It was beautiful.

Crawling Traffic

Sometimes when traffic is moving slow, and I am at the end of a long line of cars, I like to throw candy out the window like I’m in a parade.

This can get awkward during funeral processions.

About Elevators

I work in an old building. We have three elevators that are far from trust-worthy. Many people have been stuck in them for extended amounts of time, but so far I have been immune.

I'm the last one to leave the office (hell, the whole building), so if the elevator gets stuck I'm pretty much in there all night.

Which brings me to the realization of a new fear.

When the doors to the elevators slide shut, I sometimes realize that I should have peed before leaving the office. I mean, if I do get stuck, I'm gonna have to just go at some point. And then I'll be stuck in an elevator trying to avoid a puddle of my own urine.

It keeps me awake at night sometimes.

The Caps Dilemma

So let's say the keyboard you are typing on has some sort of malfunction where the shift keys don't work...

Which would you do?

WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS VIA CAPS LOCK? or write in all lower case letters?

Right now I face that exact predicament. You see, my parents keyboard has no funcioning shift keys. I don't know what the hell they did to it, but let me tell you it sucks. If only my piece of shit computer on dial-up at home could access this fucking blog1 [-- =Pretend that brackett-dash-dash is an arrow pointing to the numberal one so that I can point out that it's supposed to be an exclamation point. Also pretend that the equal signs are parenthesis.=

I have to hit CAPS LOCK when I need to capitalize anything, and I actually have the question mark copied from a webpage so that I can paste it in at the end of a sentence if I need it.

It sucks.

About Sasquatch

I've never seen a sasquatch.

But if I knew someone that had seen one, and they happened to be out hunting when they saw it, and then happened to shoot and kill the sasquatch; I would cook it with a little garlic, some red pepper, a diced onion, some butter, and a little sage. I would let the bigfoot steaks simmer in there for a while before chopping it up and putting it on a salad with french fries.

I think I would go bleau cheese for the dressing. And a pint of drought.