Keep in touch

People move away. It's inevitable, especially in the area where I live. So we promise to keep in touch.

The method of course, is e-mail.

But what happens? Rarely is any actual correspondence shared. It's all jokes and videos and chain-mail.

What kind of fucked up attempt at retaining contact with friends is that?

Let's Get Together

We should hang out together sometime.

People say I’m “fun to be around”. That’s what “a dickhead” means, right?

I’m both “clever and witty” at the same time. I’m pretty sure that’s what people mean when they say “cruel and wicked”.

So let’s go hang out some time and you can buy me beers.

It’ll be “amusing” or, as my friends say, “torture”.

On Imaginary Friends

I had an imaginary friend once. He was pretty cool. We’d hang out together, just kicking it or whatever, bullshitting and drinking and smoking weed. He was into whatever I was into and we had some great times together.

But that’s all over now.

Last night I came home early from work to find him in bed with my wife.

I should have beat his ass, I know. But I was so shocked and heartbroken that I just sort of stood there with my mouth hanging open while they finished the job, completely unaware of my presence.

He came all over her face, in a way that she would never let me do. It wasn’t until he rolled off of her, still moaning in ecstasy, that they spotted me.

My wife came to tears immediately, her eyes wide with fear, his imaginary cum dripping from her chin. He began stammering, saying “it’s not what it looks like,” but I wasn’t buying it. I saw the whole thing. I told him to get the fuck out of my house and sent the wife packing with him.

Son of a bitch.

Goes to show you, you can’t trust anyone.

I sometimes lye awake at night wishing I had kicked his imaginary ass, but I’m sort of glad that I didn’t resort to violence. I don’t know, it’s all so confusing; just a turmoil of conflicting emotions churning inside of me.

Do you think I handled this right?

I mean, what would you have done?

Friends

As I was leading my daughter to the car the other day(she's four), her little hand in mine, she cautioned me about crossing the road. "There's a motorcycle!"

She doesn't like motorcycles because they are loud and scare her.

We watched the motorcycle go past and I recognized the guy riding it as someone I went to school with.

When the bike was at the end of the street, Josie looked up at me in those big, curious eyes of hers and asked "Was he going to run us over?"

"No honey," I responded.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"I know him. His name is Tony." I told her.

"Oh, he's your friend?" She asked.

"No. I just know him." I explained.

"But you know his name..." She reasoned.

At first I thought "Aw, she's so cute." But really, shouldn't it be that simple?