Disposal

Tonight I came home to find that my wife had tore out the carpeting in one of the rooms upstairs because one of the cats had been pissing on it.

She didn't want it sitting with our trash, so my mission was to take it to an apartment complex that we used to live in and dump the bags of carpet in one of their dumpsters.

There were four massive bags in all, each of them black drum liners filled to capacity. They were large enough and almost heavy enough to be filled with body parts.

It's about one in the morning when I pull the car over next to a dumpster and turn the lights off. Two teenage kids sat on a curb up the avenue a bit, trying to look tough, while I unloaded the huge bags into the dumpsters.

After moving the bags I got back into the car and turned it on, the lights hitting the kids who turned immediatley away as though trying to hide that they were looking at me.

I was secretely hoping that they thought I was dumping bodies.

I put the car in drive and drove slowly past them.

In my head, one of them stopped me and said "Damn, how many bodies did you bury?'

To which I replied, "Only the ones that ask questions."

Lodging a Complaint

The Taco Bell hot sauce packets are a bunch of assholes.

I don't know how much longer I can take their shit.

Urgent help needed.

Please. You gotta help me. I think I lost one of my testicles.

I just went to scratch them and there were only two. I already checked my scrotum and it's not there. I took my pants off and shook the hell out of them, but nothing fell out. I've been looking on the floor for the last several minutes, but to no avail.

Fuck! What the hell am I going to do without my teste?!

I really hope I don't step on it.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

How can I have done something so stupid?

Damn it! What the hell is wrong with me.

I just checked again, and there's still only two. What the fuck?!

I'm really starting to freak the fuck out over this shit.

...

...

...

Wait.

One... Two...

Am I supposed to have two? Why do I keep thinking it's three?

Okay, nevermind. I have all my testicles. Crisis averted. You can go about whatever you were doing. There's nothing to see here. Let's not speak of this ever again.

The Deep End

If I filled the tub up to my knees,
Would you please
Dunk me down
Until I drown?
Let me forget everything.

If I made a cut accross my wrist,
Would you insist
I used some ice
To numb the slice?
You never seem to get the gist.

Dealing with things.

Plunge the blade
Deep inside
Cover the mouth
They can't hear the cries.

Wiggle the blade,
I must insist.
Now pull it out
And give it a twist

Sprinkle some salt
Upon the wound.
Bury the body,
In an unmarked tomb.

To get a dog

While I was at work, my daughter told my wife that we were going to go get a dog tomorrow.

Naturally, mommy said 'no' to this. We have two cats and we aren't getting anything else until these cats die off.

Apparently my daughter understands what needs to happen in order for us to get a dog.

To the response of 'no' from mom, my darling little girl said: "Yes. Tomorrow we are going to get a dog. Tomorrow is the day that Precious and Lady die."

"Precious and Lady aren't going to die tomorrow, honey," my wife said. "What makes you think that?"

"Because," she said in her youthful innocense, "I'm going to kill them with a knife."

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...

I hope there are no plans for what the family can get when daddy dies.

No Unmoderated Comments Found

Haven't been able to access this for a few days (work frowns on it), and I went in to approve whatever non-spam comments came in when I was told that there were none.

Has the interest level gone away? Were these last few posts so terribly uninspiring?

Did I ever mention that I might be a vampire?

Wait, no... Nevermind. Just forget it.

*sigh*

Random Question no. 1

Do fat chicks get charged extra at the tanning salons?

I might be a vampire

I'm not entirely sure, but I have some of the symptoms.

I sleep through most of the day and am awake at night. My skin starts to burn whenever I am in the sun. My skin is pale, I am sure that has nothing to do with my avoidance of the sun.

I eat garlic, but I think the 'no garlic for vampires' is an old wives tale anyway.

Plus I bite into the necks of the innocent and drain them of their blood for nourishment.

My Daughter is Brilliant

This morning, she said a sentence with 15 words in it. She's only four years old. Most adults I know can't pull off a ten word sentence, let alone fifteen.

It went like this; I took the phone from her so she would stop playing with it and she said 'You better give me back that phone or I am seriously going to kill you.'

How awesome is that?